I Can’t Believe I Bought ANOTHER Pair of Shoes

But these ones work. Finally.

The Crocs Swiftwater Flats, next to their original innersoles.

A quick recap:

In early April, I began shopping for a new pair of spring/summer walking shoes. I had worn out my Crocs Duet Busy Day Mary Janes, and although I wanted to just reorder another pair, which is what I did the last time I wore out those particular shoes, Crocs no longer made them. (There were also none in my size on either Ebay or Amazon.)

But Crocs did show me a targeted ad that connected me to a shoe sale, and I ended up buying a pair of Busy Day flats along with a pair of sandals, because the discount was that good. (Cost: $60.09.)

Online Retailers Know What We Want and How Much We’re Willing to Pay for It

The Busy Day flats didn’t fit right, and rubbed blisters all over my feet. I tried various methods of stretching them out—hairdryers were involved—but I couldn’t. I also couldn’t return them, because I had both worn them outdoors and blistered all over the insides.

So I went on Amazon and bought a pair of Crocs Olivia II flats. (Cost: $22.02.) But those didn’t work because the soles were too thin—Crocs recently separated their soles into two categories of thickness, which, um, why—and a few days of walking pounded the thin soles into Croslite-flavored pancakes.

I returned the Olivia IIs to Amazon, bought a pair of JBU Radiance Water-Ready walking shoes from Zappos that turned out to be too big, and returned those shoes to Zappos. (Cost: -$22.02 for the Crocs, and both $66.05 and -$66.05 for the JBUs.)

At this point we’re a good month into the shoe-buying process, and I had made the mistake of throwing out my Crocs Duet Busy Day Mary Janes, so I was walking around town in either a pair of Crocs jellies or these old, heavy running shoes that I keep around in case I feel like running someday, I guess.

I Failed at Buying Shoes That Fit

Y’all suggested trying Skechers, so I went to the DSW at the mall and bought a pair of Sketchers Microburst One-Ups. I remembered not liking Skechers shoes in the past, but these seemed to work. They had cushy memory-foam soles! (Cost: $66 even.)

Monday Check-In

The Sketchers fit, and were comfortable to wear, but it took me about a week to remember why I didn’t like Sketchers: they make my feet pronate really badly. It wasn’t that bad at first, and I tried to mitigate it by walking on the outer edges of my feet, but the shoes kept rolling my ankles inward. This put stress on my bunions, which, I know, bunions are gross and I shouldn’t mention them, and altered my gait to the point that the backs of my legs were aching all the way up my thighs.

So I went on Amazon and bought a pair of Crocs Swiftwater flats from a third-party reseller because it was the cheapest way to get them. (Cost: $36.52.) I had been avoiding the Swiftwater flats because they had cloth innersoles instead of Croslite innersoles—and that Croslite stuff is Crocs’ thing, the one thing it does really well, why do they sell shoes that don’t do that thing—but Crocs innersoles are both removable and washable because that’s also Crocs’ thing, it used to be “put your shoes in the dishwasher” and now it’s “put them in the washing machine on the gentle cycle,” so when the Swiftwater flats arrived I pulled out the cloth innersoles and swapped them with the Croslite innersoles from the Busy Day flats that didn’t fit right.

So I Frankensteined up a Crocs Monster, but I finally have shoes that work. After nearly two months and six different pairs. Total cost (not including shoe returns): $162.61.

I’ll keep the Skechers around in case I ever need to alter my gait to hide my identity.

Forget Fingerprints: You Could Soon Use Your Gait To Secure Your Phone

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