Samantha Irby’s American Dream

Writer, comedian, and Chicago native Samantha Irby came to New York last week to read from her debut book of essays, Meaty. On her much-loved blog Bitches Gotta Eat, Irby shares “what I learned about New York during my first ever trip there last Tuesday.”

my version of the american dream is impossible there. here is what i want for my real adult life, which will probably start five minutes before i drop dead at age 42: 1 a moderately-sized apartment with hardwood floors, high speed internet, and central air conditioning with large windows in a nice part of town that i can afford to live in with one cat and the box of sark books i keep moving from place to place; 2 a reasonably priced, mid-size sedan with decent gas mileage and a safe, well-lit place to park it every night; 3 several pairs of custom-fit orthotic inserts; 4 a kitchen aid stand mixer and a really good slow cooker; 5 ALL OF THE TELEVISION CHANNELS. to afford anything even resembling this in new york i would have to be a hedge fund manager or carmelo anthony. and it’s too late to start over. my only career prospect at this grizzled old age is hard won middle management, achieved only after clawing my way up from janitorial. and i already have that in chicago. now all i need is a chevy.

Sounds pretty good to me! Also this is unrelated to money but so true:

new yorkers are terrified of chicago cold. “BUT IT’S SO COLD THERE” is the counter-argument i received to every single observation i made about new york city. no matter compliment, question, or criticism, every word out of my mouth was met with but chicago is so fucking cold. what, you dudes don’t have motherfucking winter? buy a warm jacket and be easy, my dude.

P.S.: If I have never shat in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, am I still a New Yorker? (I swear this is related to her blog post and not just the most amazing non sequitur ever.)

Photo: aldenjewell

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