A Friday Chat With My Student Loan Debt

Me: Happy Friday! Thanks for coming.

My debt: I’m always here. 😉

Me: Oh, right. WHOA! When did you get so big?

My debt: Um… that’s rude.

Me: So is slowly draining me of my ability to achieve a sustainable way of life.

My debt: Oh, that reminds me — I clogged the toilet with your money. You’re gonna want to call someone about that.

Me: Listen, I’ve been trying to tell you something. The bills have been stacking up: electric, rent, internet…

My debt: Yikes, that sounds rough.

Me: You’ve been couchsurfing my life for long enough. Don’t you think you’ve overstayed your welcome?

My debt: …

Me: Hello?

My debt: Sorry, I lost interest.

Me: Really?!

My debt: PSYCH, I’m still at 6.35 percent (and regularly capitalizing).

Me: You’re the worst.

My debt: At least I’m not a mortgage.

Me: But, I could sell a house; I can’t sell my degree.

My debt: I know something you can sell–

Me: What?

My debt: Out. You can sell out. Oh wait, you already did. 🤣

Me: Have you no principles?!

My debt: Do you want me to remind you of my principal?

Me: NO.

My debt: You should be thanking me.

Me: For…?

My debt: Paying for your education, room and board, birth control —

Me: Birth control?

My debt: Thanks to me, you could never afford kids. 🥁 You’re welcome.

Me: Why do I even try talking to you?

My debt: I dunno — because you can’t afford to go out?

Me: You’ll regret this when I have enough in savings to evict you!

My debt: OMG, no one told you? Your savings are dead.

Me: 😭

My debt: Cheer up. Here: knock, knock.

Me: Who’s there?

My debt: Bill.

Me: Bill who?

My debt: Bill due.

Me: UGH!!! I’m going to get dinner!

My debt: Really? Sounds expensive.

Me: I’m… going for a walk!

My debt: Okay, I’ll be here when you get back!

Me: 😡

My debt: What? Payback’s a bitch.

Steph Westendorf can be found at @itotallyserious, and her writing has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.

Photo by Alice Pasqual on Unsplash.

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