Gift Ideas for Just About Anyone You Know

by Kim O’Connor

It’s just a few days after Thanksgiving, and we’re already deep in the season of the holiday gift guide. Every year, I read just about all of them out of equal parts sick fascination and sheer desperation re: my own lack of ideas. I marvel at all the collections of grilling accessories and floral scarves and feel like an alien because, seriously, who wants that stuff? For him, we have electronic bacon gum. For her, how about bath salts made from real human tears? No?

I mean, hey, maybe there’s some guy out there who legitimately likes novelty cufflinks. And perhaps your mom really does have a taste for cumin-scented chocolates. I don’t know your life. What I can tell you is that I have compiled some alternatives that aren’t grossly sexist, generic, or expensive. (Most everything’s under $100.) Keep in mind that you should try to place orders by December 16–18 for regular shipments to arrive in time for Christmas. If you’re running late, check out the section for procrastinators — just scroll down to the end.

FOR ANYONE

1. Pretty tapered candles ($24 for two) 2. Crocheted rubber bowl (starting at $48) 3. An excellent book of essays by Tim Kreider (around $14) 4. Glass carafe ($35) 5. Big box of awesome (Building Stories by Chris Ware — around $25) 6. Glass coffeemaker (starting at $34.90) 7. Perky ice bucket ($32) 8. Special holiday tea ($33)

FOR NERDS

1. Postcards of vintage educational charts (around $15) 2. Handsome writing tablet ($16) 3. Illustrated science book (around $15) 4. Horn cups for watching GAME OF THROOOONES (starting at $26) 5. Geekiest backpack in America (sold at a store specializing in outdoor gear! — $95) 6. Sonic screwdriver remote control ($99.95) 7. Plastic Japanese steampunk fan (that you plug into the computer? — $75) 8. Chess piece wine stoppers ($19.50 for a set of two)

FOR CREATIVE TYPES

1. Technically, Fäviken is a cookbook, but it’s filled with INCREDIBLE stories. (around $33) 2. Build a better tumblr with this pet-collar camera. ($40) 3. Scary blank-eyed “good luck” bank ($40) 4. Learn to knit kit ($62) 5. The whimsical characters on these coasters are classic cocktails incarnate. Or something? ($18 for 8) 6. Lynda Barry sells her magical art on Etsy. (starting at $75) 7. Smoke from this incense burner comes out of the little man’s pipe! ($58) 8. FaceMaker wooden blocks ($75)

FOR HOMEBODIES

1. The lid on this 4-quart casserole dish doubles as a trivet. ($99.95) 2. TIKI PLATES! ($15 each) 3. Collapsible whisk ($18) 4. Balloon salt and pepper shakers ($68 for the set) 5. Hedgehog measuring cups ($36 for a set of four) 6. Lacquered napkin ring totem ($65.60) 7. The best cookbook of 2012 (around $20) 8. Cheerful pitcher ($65)

FOR PATRIOTS

1. Classic handkerchief ($12) 2. “Traditional” Native American travel mug ($28) 3. The One True American mirror ($90) 4. Slender, but satisfying, book of poems (confusingly titled “50 American Plays”) by the Brothers Dickman ($16) 5. Anthology of American Folk Music box set ($78.99 for six CDs) 6. U.S. map art print ($56) 7. Decoupage Lincoln plate ($62) 8. Paper-cut wall art ($60)

FOR FANCY PEOPLE

1. Scented candle in a handmade copper vessel ($80) 2. Needlepoint pillow ($28) 3. Porcelain coasters ($68 for a set of four) 4. Glass mugs ($56 for a set of two) 5. Deco-inspired cocktail pitcher ($44.95) 6. Poodle bookends ($75) 7. Crazy molecular gastronomy cookbook (around $100)

FOR CREEPS

1. Beastly serving bowl ($78) 2. The best holiday cards ($19 for ten) 3. A book about curiosity cabinets (around $30) 4. These are called Johnny heads and they are probably what you see before you die. (starting at $14) 5. Baby jellyfish paperweight ($30) 6. Fine china snake lady plate ($72)

FOR KIDS

1. Stylish board book by Alexander Girard ($14.95) 2. Kitty egg crayons ($22 for six) 3. Rainbow blocks ($48) 4. Little button accordion ($25) 5. Circus rubber stamp kit ($24.50) 6. Amish laptop ($52) 7. Easter Island nanoblock set ($19.99) 8. Comics that teach little kids how to read (this Art Spiegelman one one is $12.95) 9. State-of-the-art cardboard rocket ($60)

GIFTS OVER $100

1. What IS bocce, anyway? (handmade bocce balls — $275) 2. Porcelain coyote skull with gold teeth ($150) 3. Coffee table book re: Charles and Ray Eames (around $125) 4. Scrabble set for design freaks ($199) 5. Tabletop planter ($145) 6. Supple leather clutch portfolio ($150) 7. Neon-colored pocket knife ($205) 8. Original painting by Michelle Armas (starting at $200)

STOCKING STUFFERS

1. Happy highlighter pencils ($8) 2. Folding comb = switchblade for the well groomed ($10.40) 3. World’s smallest walkie talkies ($15 for two) 4. Cool leather key chains ($16 each) 5. Matchbooks filled with tiny candles ($3.95 for four books) 6. Circus man ornament ($28) 7. Cheerful dishtowels ($13 for two)

FOR THE LAST MINUTE

1. Letters in the Mail is a snail mail service organized by the nice people at The Rumpus. ($60 for a one-year subscription) 2. Gift certificate to a well curated e-book store (starting at $14.95) 3. Hey, did you realize you can donate to most charities online? Here’s my favorite! 4. Sufjan’s new Christmas box set ($15 for the digital download) 5. How about a nice post-holiday juice cleanse ($75 per day)? 6. Or a subscription of magical food surprises! (starting at $99 for three months)

Kim O’Connor, a freelance writer who lives in Chicago, occasionally moonlights as a gift shop consultant.

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