I Don’t Want to Buy Anything Right Now

Everything I wanted feels unimportant.

I was going to buy a Kindle this weekend—my old Kindle died about six months ago, so I’ve been doing a lot of reading on my phone—and now I don’t want to.

It’s not quite the whole “I need to save every penny I have in case Something Bad Happens,” because I donated $300 to Planned Parenthood and the NAACP today, and a basic Kindle is only $79.99 plus I get the trade-in value of my old one.

But I don’t want to treat myself right now. I don’t feel like I deserve nice things.

I’d be really interested to see who else makes similar purchasing choices, especially as we move into the holiday season. Yes, there is the fear in the back of my mind that maybe next year I’ll be earning less money or have more health-insurance-related expenses or something, but there’s this louder voice in the front of my mind saying this is not the time to buy toys. (Even though I’d use the Kindle for work, along with the clothes I might buy because Ann Taylor Loft just sent me coupons for $35 off my next purchase. They feel like toys.)

I got a box from Amazon while the election results were coming in last night, at the point where there was still a little hope but it was pretty clear what was going to happen, and I opened it up and started taking out all of these things I had ordered for myself last weekend, a pair of scissors because I wore out my old pair, and a frame so I could hang up some artwork, and I kept thinking none of this matters. I don’t get to be delighted about hanging up art anymore.

I don’t know about you, but I have been so happy recently. I got myself out of debt, my earnings are the highest they’ve ever been in my life, and I’m finally starting to put down roots in Seattle. I’m tutoring high school students on Mondays and teaching at Hugo House on Thursdays and I got to read some of my fiction at Phinney Books, and I have friends I love and a little nephew I’m excited to get to know, and it’s like I had the life I always wanted.

And I knew even as I had it that someday it would be a had.

It feels like it’s going to be a long time before I get to be happy about something just for myself again. Before I get to say “my life is good, so that’s enough.”

So yeah, I’m not buying a Kindle this weekend. What I wanted last week now feels unimportant.

What about you?

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