TFW Your Free Breast Pump Comes With A Bill For $100

“Your claim has been denied”

This morning, as I took a break from work to pump, I called my health insurance company to try to understand why I received notice from them that my claim for the very pump I was using — purchased as per their instructions, from the company they directed me to and off of a list of approved options provided to me by that company, which I had been promised would, and according to the laws of this great nation must, be free — had been denied. My “free” pump would, in fact, cost me $100.

I figured that the representative might hear the pump whooshing in the background of the call but it would still be a more pleasant noise than the grinding of my teeth. Also more appropriate.

“Uh, can I put you on a brief hold?” the rep asked, after I explained the situation.

“Certainly,” I said. Next to me, the pump kept chugging away, sounding like a Xerox machine crossed with a heavy breather.

“Thanks for waiting,” the rep said when he returned. “So, um, the company you used charged us $420 for the pump you bought.” Although my insurer sucked up most of that cost, they had apparently hit some kind of limit and passed the rest of the cost onto me.

“The pump I bought from them retails for about $175,” I told the rep. “I only bought that pump from them because you told me to. If they vastly overcharge you, that’s not my mistake. I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”

“You bought it after a qualifying life event — uh, having a baby?”

“Yes.”

“Did you by any chance, uh, buy two pumps?”

Pause to take a deep, cleansing breath.

“… No.”

“Okay, let me — let me get back to you,” he said.

“Do,” I said, channeling the cool of Emma Thompson from Much Ado About Nothing, if Thompson had been attached to a machine whose purpose was to mechanically extract milk from sensitive parts of her anatomy. “Do.”

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