We Want to Believe: Face Robots (Or, Dismantling the Clarisonic Empire)

Welcome back to We Want to Believe: A Column About Beauty & Money. Today, we tackle the illustrious Clarisonic Mia 1 Facial Sonic Cleansing System ($99). Things do not go as planned.

Meghan: Hello Audrey! Did the magic of the facial massage ease your path to wellness?

Audrey: I am well now so I guess it must have; it’s the only explanation, really.

M: I’m convinced. Today we are discussing the exact opposite of the face massage, or rather its aggressive mechanical cousin: the Clarisonic…something. I don’t actually know what is called anymore, I just call it the face robot.

A: The Clarisonic Mia Facial Sonic Cleansing System. This face robot you convinced me to buy several years ago, with your rave reviews of life-changing face burnishing. It cost like $100 which is so much!!!

M: It IS! It is, especially considering we were both making garbage bucks at that point. What was I thinking?! I’m pretty sure this happened right around the time I hit 28 and my face started collapsing in on itself. I wanted to believe in this miracle tool that would change the entire structure of my face.

Also, mine was a birthday gift. So.

A: I feel like now there are cheaper ripoffs that probably do exactly the same thing. But back in the olden times of 2012 or whenever, it was Mia or bust. So I got this robot after reading hundreds of breathless 5-star reviews on drugstore dot com or someplace, and my reaction has been a solid meh.

M: Hundreds of reviews. This was literally all anyone was talking about in the “beauty community” for a solid six months.

I’m realizing now that the face robot is the object on which our entire friendship hinged. Because I talked it up so hard, and we will never get back to the place where you trusted my opinions.

Let’s review what the robot is meant to do, shall we? As far as I understood it, the reason everyone was losing their minds over the thing was because it was meant to actually polish the wrinkles off your face. Like it wasn’t just an exfoliating brush, it was supposed to truly resurface your skin from the inside out. Is that what you understood?

A: Well, yes, and I was swayed because it allegedly uses some kind of magical pulse technology so it wasn’t just scraping your disgusting old skin cells off like spackle, it was stimulating collagen? Something? With pulses? And also because my mom bought me a Sonicare toothbrush and that thing really did clean my teeth miraculously. Even my dental hygienist was like, “You didn’t hear it from me, but you can come for a cleaning only once a year instead of every six months if you use the Sonicare.” So I believed in the power of pulse technology.

M: Right right, the pulsing! How could I have forgotten the pulsing. The Clarisonic uses sonic pulse technology to wake up your sleepy cells while also polishing away all of your topical junk. Apparently. I’m looking back at these reviews now and everyone still raves about it. “Better than microdermabrasion,” this one says.

A: I think it probably DOES do miraculous things in terms of clearing up acne or general “brightening,” which I still feel like is possibly entirely placebo effect-based. But I am #blessed in that I am not particularly zitty, but consequently #cursed with dry and wrinkly skin. And the pulses failed to stimulate away my wrinkles in any noticeable way. Also this seems like a common thread here, me failing to remove my wrinkles.

M: I was just going to say, this might be a case of having to adjust our expectations…

But for me, the face robot actually CAUSED acne! I used it diligently for a couple of months, and within the first month I was breaking out worse than I ever had before (until now, thanks hormones). At first I thought perhaps I was using it too often? Some reviewers do say that if your skin is particularly sensitive you shouldn’t use it more than once or twice a week, but even when I cut back I still found it really irritating. It was like the pulses were finding hidden zits and asking them to come and hang out? There’s this idea with a lot of face products that you need to push through that adjustment phase but I have never been able to do that because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

A: Somebody always has to say something about “toxins” when you bring that stuff up. Oh that’s just the toxins leaving your skin, like you are getting an exorcism or something. Can we all agree that toxins are not, scientifically speaking, real?

M: I know, I know, but isn’t it a nice idea?

Was there anything you appreciated about the robot? Do you still use yours?

A: Oh, right, so the thrilling conclusion of my face robot story is that I stopped using it for a while out of laziness, then decided to try again out of guilt about having spent so much money on something I don’t use. And when I tried to use it again, it just buzzed sadly and didn’t work. Like bzzt bzzt bzzt but no cleansing pulses. I did everything the internet suggested in terms of charging and resetting it to no avail.

I contacted Clarisonic and they were just like oh yeah, after a while the battery stops working. We will not replace it but we will send you a 25% off coupon if you want a new one. Which I most decidedly did not. I mean I get it, it was three years old, but still man. So now it sits forlornly in my bathroom reminding me of my greatest beauty folly to date. Do you still use yours? Did your face ever adjust?

M: Is there any less successful customer service strategy than “Oh, sorry our defective product was defective. Here’s 25% off a new defective product”?

This is the saddest, most uneventful saga. No, I don’t use mine. I prefer a less vigorous cleanse, and I truly think you can do all you need to do with a washcloth and your real, non-robot hands. I do still have it though, and I believe that it still works. In fact, I would like to offer it up to any reader who wants to try it. I’ll send you my robot (as long as you live in Canada, I’m not rich enough for international shipping). Whoever can provide us in the comments with their best exfoliation method: you win this 3-year-old face robot that has been the object of most of my cosmetic scorn.

A: Great idea. In fact, I will send another commenter my 25% off coupon. Good luck, commenters. Thumbs down, face robot.

VERDICT:

Audrey: Not Worth It

Meghan: Not Worth It

Seriously, share your exfoliating tips. We’ll choose two winners. And is there anyone out there who can speak to the powers of the mighty Clarisonic?

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.