Rambling Man: Help! Can I Stop Tithing To Pay For My Wedding?

by Joshua Michtom

Dear Rambling Man,

I have been wrestling with a moral quandary related to finance. I know the “right” answer and yet I am leaning towards the “wrong” one.

The deal is that I will soon have a lot of new expenses (boo!) as I am newly engaged (yay!). We are not getting any parental help and actually will be paying for many relatives’ transportation and lodging. So despite our best efforts, this will be quite expensive.

To prepare for the giant financial blow that is a wedding, I’m trying to preemptively pare down ye olde budget. I am already a frugal person so this might start becoming draconian. No dining out! Slower internet! No new clothes! (I won’t be buying a wedding dress so this is not impossible). But the biggest line item on my budget besides rent has stared at me for months now: charitable giving.

I tithe, so that’s 10% going to programs for the poor and the imprisoned, to education and to church. But reducing charity — what a terrible thought! And the kicker is, I’m not hurting for money. It’s just the guilt of it on both sides. The devil on one side says, “If you stopped a few pledges for a few months then you could have $X and more peace of mind. Most people don’t give that much to charity anyway and you volunteer!” but the angel side says, “You give back because you have been given so much! And reducing charity won’t give you any peace.”

The money saved won’t go to making the wedding more lavish — the budget is set already. Also, elopement is out of the question; the wedding is a gift to our friends and family. So yes, I feel like you should shake me and say “Only a bridezilla would put her wedding over the needy!” I just need more faith that we can get through this financially and maybe the act of donating is proof to myself that I have that faith. Oh but the money!

Sincerely, Fiscally impure thoughts

*

Dear FIT,

I know you said elopement wasn’t in the cards, but we should still start with this: American weddings are fucking crazy. I had one. It was classically overblown because my former in-laws insisted that it be that way and insisted that they pay for it. We wanted to have a barbecue in the park and it was apparent that if we did that, it would create a serious rift between my ex and her mom.

In the end, it was a lot of fun, but not more fun than the barbecue. Just fancier.

But you say the budget is set, so I have to leave my screed against the wedding-industrial complex for another day.

You also say, “Only a bridezilla would put her wedding over the needy,” and in saying that, you put your finger on the fundamental contradiction that has allowed the philosopher Peter Singer to live so immorally on book royalties and speaking fees: any time we do anything unnecessary, we put our desires over the immediate needs of the poor. This is a real moral problem, and one I don’t know how to solve: I own five brass instruments, for heaven’s sake.

But Singer’s formulation — that every time we buy a large latte, it’s as if we are killing a starving child, or something to that effect — raises a crucial point about your situation: the percentage involved in tithing is arbitrary. Exodus 23:11 seems to suggest that 14% (1/7 of all crops) is the right amount. Deuteronomy 26:12 goes with 10%. Wealthy Americans give less than 3%.

Your 10%, while admirable, could be 12%, could it not? If you spend that 2% of your income on something you could forgo, aren’t you committing essentially the same sin as if you knocked your tithe down to 8% to cover the wedding? And isn’t it charitable to pay so that relatives who might otherwise not make it can come see you do a sacrament? (Does one “do” a sacrament? Should it be “commit” a sacrament? I’m at the limit of my religious knowledge here.)

I realize I’m lawyering your charity, which is Pride + Avarice = 29% of the Deadly Sins. My point is, maybe don’t focus so much on the 10% figure as some kind of magic proof to yourself that you are a good person. We have to live in a world that obliges us to compromise — after all, you are having a big wedding not because you have dreamed of a big wedding since your were five, but because you feel like you have to. Sure, it’s also something you enjoy doing and a gift you give to the family and generally a mitzvah, but all of those things are wrapped up with other people’s expectations, commercial pressure pervasively applied, and so on. The moment may arise when you simply cannot give a traditional 10% tithe — maybe you will unexpectedly have twins or get laid off — and that will not make you a worse person.

Giving to charity means a lot to you. That is awesome. Keep doing it as much as you can. But apparently, you are obliged to throw a wedding, and throwing a wedding may keep you from giving as much to charity for a little while. If the wedding is as obligatory as you describe, it’s really no different than paying rent or buying food, and you shouldn’t feel any differently than you would if those requirements kept you from putting the usual amount in the collection basket. I can’t go visit my dad as soon as I’d like to because I can’t afford it, in part because I had to spend a bunch of money paying off my mom’s back property taxes so she wouldn’t lose her house. I don’t think this makes me a bad son.

Also, practically speaking, what if you ask all your wedding guests to forgo a traditional gift and give to a charity in your name?

Yours,

Rambling Man

Rambling Man is the Billfold’s new advice column about trying to make a living and doing the best you can. Questions for Rambling Man? Email ester@thebillfold.com, subject line: Rambling Man.

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