10 Eggplants Who Wouldn’t Order Sushi Tonight, And Think You Shouldn’t Either, Really

by Lauren Rodrigue

• 10 eggplants who wouldn’t order sushi tonight, and think you shouldn’t either, really

• 35 swashbuckling pirates with a better shot at getting health insurance before they age out than you do

• 5,680 toddlers who are more responsible with money than you are even though they literally try to swallow it, they literally eat it

• 2 fried eggs that together look like eyes staring at you in complete disbelief that NAIL DECALS is how you decided to fuck with eleven entire U.S. Dollars last Friday

• 1 dad who wishes you’d made a few decisions differently, Lauren, but will always love you anyway [photo of Mike Rodrigue]

• 5 peacock feathers who would have gotten that job you came close to getting but didn’t get because your resume is obviously in WINGDINGS UGH

• 305 bathtubs that are basically saying That $100 Hot Yoga Gilt City Deal You Bought Ain’t Gonna Use Itself!

• 7 crispy fried prawns you shouldn’t order because you don’t NEED an appetizer and an entree; you’re only one woman

• 4,791 salamanders that would never have left the A/C on ALL DAY on Saturday while they nursed hangovers in bed because salamanders are cold blooded and stay cool by avoiding the sun and because there’s no reason a young human woman shouldn’t be out and about on one of her two days off per week

Lauren Rodrigue lives in New York. pic by rochelle hartman.