Pilot Season Job Offers of Shame

by Catie Lazarus and Hannah Friedman

When you read this offer, please picture Ms. Leesa Kugel as she is — a television producer who always chews gum, probably even in her sleep, and engages in verbal up-speak. All names have been changed to protect the guilty and, yes, this was an actual job offer.

Re: PAID WRITING GIG
On Mon, April 21, 2013 at 2:24 PM, <kugel@embryo.com> wrote:

Dear Katy,

Hi! My producing partner Cole Jeffries specifically recommended you, so you should be ultra flattered! Our production company EMBRYO just acquired a project that we think would be PURRRFECT for your voice. It’s… young. It’s hip. It’s really zeitgeisty.

We’ve had a T-O-N of interest, but we want YOU to make it your own and have fun with writing it. Let me know if you’re interested. Paying, duh.

Yers,

Leesa Kugel

On Tues, April 22nd, 2013 at 10:44 AM, Catie Lazarus <underemployedwriter@me.com> wrote:

Dear Leesa,

Thanks for contacting me. I’m not quite sure what the project is exactly, so it’s hard to say whether it’s the right fit.

Catie Lazarus

On Tues, April 22nd, 2013 at 10:47 AM, <kugel@embryo.com> wrote:

Katy!

TV series, obviously, there will be a web component. But we’d love you to pen the pilot script. It’s called…. SLAVES. Fun! (Right?!!!)

We know that as the writerly creative, you’ll want to own it and fill in the small stuff, like plot holes and story lining. We’d love you to start concepting, so happy to discuss payment.
Leesa

On Tues, April 21, 2013 at 11:04 AM, Catie Lazarus <underemployedwriter@gmail.com> wrote:

Dear Leesa,

If I knew how to make slavery funny, I’d be a millionaire or an asshole.

Catie

On Tues, April 22nd, 2013 at 10:47 AM, <kugel@embryo.com> wrote:

Catty,

Just to clarify, nobody is trying to make slavery funny per se. LOL! We just feel like the enslavement of people for the extractment of comedy is very zeitgeisty right now. We’re not talking about sad slaves. Or poor slaves (not “black” slaves.) White slaves. Like Hot Young Slaves or Slaves of Beverly Hills kinda thang.

Let me know if that helps and if you want to try and take a stab at it.

Thx.

Leesa

PS Sucks I know, but you’ll want to avoid words like asshole.

Epilogue:

Despite how competitive TV pilot staffing season is, Catie Lazarus passed on this singular opportunity. Please contact Leesa at kugel@embryo.com if you have no moral compass.

Catie Lazarus is a writer and comedian. She has contributed drivel to The Daily Beast, Slate, Cosmo, Bust, Gawker, and edited the “Kvetch Section” for Heeb Magazine. She also hosts the podcast Employee of the Month, which is taped live monthly at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.

Hannah Friedman is a television writer in Los Angeles. She enjoys puppies and stiff cappuccino foam.

Photo: Sevan Sekhon

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