For Once, I’m Excited to Pay My Taxes

Maybe I’ve finally lost it.

I was walking down the street in a drizzly, icy, rain on my way to get a salad when I realized with a quietly-contained glee that this year, I am excited to pay my taxes.

“Excitement” is probably too strong a word for the feeling; I’d gladly substitute “resigned” or at least “neutrally anticipating.” I’m not thrilled to pay my taxes, though the fussy organizational aspect of doing so pleases me more than I’d like to admit.

There will be paper shuffling and organizing. I will certainly stuff everything in a crisp manila folder and write TAXES 2016 in thick marker on the tab. The search to find my taxes from last year will be a fun-filled surprise journey through the upper recesses of my closet, as I try to remember where it is I stuffed the box that has that stuff. Maybe I’ll find my passport and birth certificate along the way, buried under employee handbooks from jobs past and sheafs of unused stationary. Organizing and list-making and fiddly tasks associated with people who have their shit together pleases me as a procrastination method and nothing more. Preparing to chase down 1099s fils me with a fervor akin to being neck deep in the sale section at Old Navy; in both situations I’m driven by a force that is somehow larger than myself. Finding a sweater on sale for $5 is markedly different than writing a giant check and mailing it to the IRS, but somehow, they deliver the same queasy, adrenaline-riddled thrill.

This year, though, I’m excited to pay my taxes because I am confident that I’ve saved enough money to cover my taxes. I know I’ll owe money, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I have the money to pay for it without completely decimating my savings. Working largely for myself means that I am compulsive about saving — unfortunately, I’m not saving for anything exciting, but somehow, paying my taxes without feeling like I have to lay down with a cold compress on my face is something that I’m really looking forward to.

Is saving pointless if you’re not saving for something fun? I don’t see a house in my future; I’m never going to buy a car. Saving all this money and being proud of myself for doing so only to throw it in great fistfuls at the IRS in a couple of months seems like it would frustrate me, but really, it will prove to myself that I’m capable of not being a complete fuck-up when it comes to finances.

I have no idea what I’ll actually owe. For half the year, I worked at a job that took taxes out. For the second half, I didn’t. I’ve saved over $16,000. Hopefully that’ll cover it.

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