The Worst Thing I Bought in 2016: Fancy Serums for My Face

Tap tap tap tap tap.

One day on my way to work, I caught a glimpse of my face in the reflection of the subway window and realized that I should really start taking care of my skin.

Nothing about my face is particularly bad, but enough time spent in the bowels of the beauty internet have convinced me that I need to do something with it to fix its incipient problems. I fear a crepey undereye, a loss of “radiance.” I am consumed with the idea of exfoliation, dutifully scrubbing my face with a washcloth, whisking away the dead skin cells that clog my pores like leaves in a gutter. I want skin that glows with a special combo of health and hydration and a tiny touch of magic. This year, I made it my quest to achieve that goal.

I have no specific routine for my face, aside from washing it and patting various creams into my cheeks before passing out in fretful sleep. I’m only recently getting used to the idea that sometimes, expensive products make a difference; I am fiercely loyal to drugstore beauty products because I can buy them at all hours from the Duane Reade down the street from my apartment without feeling bad about it.

This summer, a makeup company with an aspirational Instagram presence and a very good brow product released three serums, $27 each for less than an ounce. That’s more money than I would comfortably spend on anything for my face, but it was very hot that morning, I hadn’t turned my AC on yet, and I had probably just gotten paid. As if possessed, the day the serums were released on their website, I woke up, found my debit card and ordered a brightening serum and a “clearing” serum, plus a lip balm for good measure. They arrived a few days later and I gleefully incorporated them into my regimen, pat-pat-pat-patting them into my skin and hoping for the best.

I have used the teensy, pretty little bottles up. It took me about four months. They look nice sitting on my dresser with the other things I use to make my face look like less of a haggard sea witch. They have done absolutely nothing. My skin looks the same as my skin always looks — maybe a little clearer here and there, but I refuse to attribute that to the serums, because I don’t think it’s their fault. Maybe I drank more water or maybe I started washing my face before I went to bed instead of rubbing mascara out of my eyes the next morning. Or, maybe it was the serums. But, I stopped using them recently because I ran out, and nothing significant has changed.

“I’m not going to spend money on those,” my youngest sister told me when I excitedly texted her about my purchase. “They probably won’t work.” Like most things in life, sadly, she was right.

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