Luxury Skincare: An Aspirational Goal That My Broke Self Indulges In

What’s wonderful about skincare as self-care is the amount of time you can put into it.

Growing up, I used to have arguments with my mother about her tendency to pretend that we were borderline bourgeoisie when it came to grocery shopping. Despite the fact that we were hiding from late mortgage repayments and unpaid fees to my private school, our fridge was filled with artisanal snacks that would make any food blogger proud.

When you’re in an all-girls private school, you feel your lack of financial fortune pretty acutely. My lifestyle didn’t match up with theirs, and I felt the usual teenage aggravation due to this. The only thing that shielded me from anyone realizing that I was poor were my gluten-free lunches.

If I ran into those girls today, I would probably try to steer conversation towards Pixi Glow Tonic and Sunday Riley serums in an effort to pretend I am, and always have been, on the same financial level as them.

When I moved away from home and was in charge of my own finances, I was convinced that I would do everything my mother hadn’t. I wouldn’t spend more money than I was earning, I would only buy own-brand groceries (which is to say, store-brand), and I would have friends over to my new apartment so we wouldn’t have to pay to socialize by buying gin and tonics that were priced so high you could get a week’s worth of own-brand groceries with the money.

That didn’t exactly go according to plan. While I didn’t fall into the trap of spending all my money on food, I found that there were plenty of other ways I could live beyond my means.

The thing is, working incessantly to support yourself creates this strange sort of anger, which makes you want to surround yourself with the trappings of a lifestyle you feel you deserve. While I never fell behind on rent or bills, my bank account was drained regularly by activities like cocktails with my friends, new dresses for college balls, or brunch where I paid €24 ($25 USD) for some form of avocado toast and eggs.

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Luckily, this financial recklessness only lasted for a year and was chalked down to impulsivity. I had been going through a rough time mentally, and it was decided that my overspending was a coping mechanism. I needed to make some changes. It was time to take care of myself.

Endless scrolling through Tumblr and various lifestyle blogs lured me into the comforting world of prioritizing self-care. I wasn’t desperately unhappy because I was battling with an education system that is stacked against those of us who have to work our way through college. The reason I couldn’t get out of bed wasn’t related to my anxiety about the constant emotional labor required at my retail job. I was actually withdrawing from interactions with my friends because I wasn’t practicing adequate self-care, and a face mask twice a week would cure my underlying mental health problems.

I had never been one for skincare. I had managed to avoid major acne issues as a teenager, and I was pretty lazy, so smudging make-up off my face with a baby wipe sufficed.

The internet soon told me how bad this was for my skin, and that I should try the oil-pulling method instead. This was my first foray into skincare trends, but it initially seemed cost-effective; I bought a few jars of cold-pressed oils and mixed up a blend. Then I had to pay for the surprisingly expensive muslin cloths and Konjac sponges to get all that oil off my face. I guess this was my gateway skincare routine.

What’s wonderful about skincare as self-care is the amount of time you can put into it. The decision to buy a new toner merits a long listing process that would make the Booker Prize proud. First, you pull up your favorite skincare brands. Then, you read a dozen articles to make sure that there are no newcomers on the scene that you should be aware of. Once you have your brands, then you can hone in on the toners themselves. This one has glycolic acid in it which would help even out your skin tone, but that one has a rose petal infusion combined with ginseng root powder which would calm down the redness in your cheeks from running around at work, while also stimulating blood flow to your skin so maybe you wouldn’t look so tired?

This stage of the process requires introspection. How is your life going? What changes have happened recently? You’re coming into winter now, so be mindful of that. You’ve also started smoking again, so you’ll see some repercussions from that vice. Oh, and don’t forget that hormonal acne on your chin which signifies to the world you’ve managed to survive another month without getting pregnant.

Now that you know what your problems are, you pick out the dozen or so toners that aim to fix everything that is wrong. Each one requires a lengthy investigation involving YouTube reviews, /r/SkincareAddiction, and usually a Refinery29 slideshow. At this point, you’re just about ready to go into a department store, try some on your hand and stand there in existential crisis as you wonder are you really going to spend €36 on a small bottle of water blended with some chemicals. The answer is: yes, because it is the life you want for yourself, a life where €36 is a perfectly reasonable amount of money to spend on a small bottle of water blended with some chemicals.

Skincare is such a clever form of capitalism because it ties itself to the anxieties of your world. My Ren Evercalm Global Protection Day Cream claims to be for skin affected by city life and smoke, and, when applied, will train my skin to be less sensitive. My skincare collection promises to fix the fragments of my life that exist due to external factors, and even lures me to believe that my own past mistakes can be fixed as well.

Of course, I’m really just rehashing the grocery bills of my childhood. In the same way that I’m convinced that my façade of being broke, tired and stressed can be erased with an eye cream — and therefore will lead to me being in a situation where I am not broke, tired and stressed — my mother thought that good nutrition would give her the energy to pull us out of the financial mess we were in.

Every night, I feel a strange sense of calmness as I embark on a seven-step skincare routine. Even if my bank account is about to hit zero, I’ve invested money in my skin, which is something I’ll have the rest of my life. That’s a sensible spend, right?

Besides, I have another interview for an entry-level position next week. I have to convince them that I am competent, and a stress breakout will give it away. You have to portray success in order to achieve success, isn’t that what they say?

Finally, as I stare at my kaolin-covered face in the mirror: I’ve worked so hard, don’t I deserve this one indulgence?

Grace de Bláca is living in Dublin, Ireland and trying to escape being your average unemployed Trinity Film graduate. She can be found analyzing popular culture, eating vegan junk food and taking selfies while on the job hunt via @gracadeblaca on Twitter and Instagram.

This story is part of The Billfold’s Change Series.

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