If You Did Money Like Trump

Wouldn’t it be nice?


Thanks to Donald’s performance in the first Presidential debate, we’ve learned a lot about how the putative billionaire does money. What if you behaved the same way?

You could, for example:

Call in sick to work just because you feel like it.

Refuse to pay for services after they’ve been rendered.

Mrs. Clinton condemned Mr. Trump for refusing to pay contractors on several projects, saying she was grateful her father had never done business with him. She said the debate crowd included an architect whom Mr. Trump had not paid. “Maybe he didn’t do a good job,” Mr. Trump said.

Just don’t pay your bills. Paying is for suckers.

Root for a housing crisis. If you can profit off of a disaster that sinks the global economy, that’s good business!

Mrs. Clinton, seeking to portray Mr. Trump as an enemy of working people, said he had “rooted for the housing crisis” because of the financial opportunities it might afford him. “That’s called business, by the way,” he interjected.

Don’t pay taxes. What are you, stupid?

Oh, and deny it too, for good measure. Play all sides.

In the “spin room” after the debate, Mr. Trump disputed any suggestion that he had admitted to not paying income taxes. “No I didn’t say that at all,” he said. “I mean, if they say I didn’t, I mean, it doesn’t matter. I will say this: I hate the way our government spends our taxes.”

Mr. Trump also asserted, “Of course I pay federal taxes.”

Make selfishness a virtue, the prime virtue, the best virtue.

My obligation right now is to do well for myself, my family, my employees, for my companies.”

Settle lawsuits without admitting guilt. Settle over 100 of them, then claim you never settle. File for bankruptcy six separate times. Use your charitable family foundation to “give away somebody else’s money and claim the credit” and also buy yourself some shit, or buy yourself out of some deeper shit. You deserve it. You’re braggadocious.

In two cases, he has used money from his charity to buy himself a gift. In one of those cases — not previously reported — Trump spent $20,000 of money earmarked for charitable purposes to buy a six-foot-tall painting of himself.

Money from the Trump Foundation has also been used for political purposes, which is against the law. The Washington Post reported this month that Trump paid a penalty this year to the Internal Revenue Service for a 2013 donation in which the foundation gave $25,000 to a campaign group affiliated with Florida Attorney General Pamela Bondi (R). [emphasis mine]

Call start-up capital of $14 million from your dad — which would be worth $31 million today — “a very small loan.”

Fail to sell ice in an age of global warming or steak to the most red-meat-obsessed population of people on earth.

Gild everything. Everything. If it’s not gilded, it’s an uglier waste of space than Rosie O’Donnell.

What did I miss??

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