Seven Days with the Rock Clock

ICYMI, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson released an alarm clock app last week called, mmhmmm, The Rock Clock. There is no snooze button, because the Rock doesn’t believe in them. I spent a week with the Rock Clock. We are none of us worthy.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson just released a motivational alarm clock app

Day One

Incapable of figuring out the complexities of the app, I fail to set it. We sleep until almost 10. I am hungover.

Day Two

Wake to a series of increasingly irate texts from (the?) Rock. “You’d better be up, Candy Ass. ARE YOU UP!?!?!” I am not up. Still cannot figure out how to get the app to work. We sleep until 8:50. The day is shot.

Day Three

Turns out you have to leave the Rock Clock on all night, which feels like a major design flaw the REAL Rock would never have allowed. At 7:30am, I wake to the gentle hum of flutes underscored by Rock whispering “Wakey wakey…” in my ear. It’s fairly effective, mostly because it is terrifying.

Other alarm choices include “Chainsaws” (self-explanatory) and “Fire in the Hole,” the numbing sound of a grenade exploding, over and over and over again.

Day Four

Rock is waking up at 4:45am; I drink a bottle of wine and sleep until 9:30.

Day Five

Does anyone actually use an alarm on the weekend?

Day Six

My Rock Clock goal is to “Get Shit Done.” Today, I wake up on time and make a lot of lists, thus accomplishing my goal, in a way.

Day Seven

I wake up at 7:30am of my own accord. Blessings heaped upon blessings. I’m able to get to the Rock Clock before it wakes the boyfriend. While drinking my morning tea, I watch today’s motivational video, which features our prophet himself in his temple of fitness (“the place where it all begins and where it all ends, the house of steel, the house of iron, where we bless the steel, where we are blessed by the iron”), drinking a power beverage from his “ugly lime-ass green neon colored” water bottle. It’s time to work. As per the Rock:

“You gotta chase that son of a bitch. Let’s roll.”

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.