The Cost Of Things: Looking Effortless

There’s a fun feature up at ELLE about how much it costs to look au courant, which is to say, flawlessly, effortlessly boho chic. Apparently the thing these days is trying without showing that you’re trying. The end result may be attractive but it’s not particularly affordable.

Dieting is out. Detoxing is in. It’s too bad, really, because dieting was a hell of a lot cheaper. Prevailing wisdom has it that in order to reduce toxins and inflammation one must regularly imbibe cold-pressed juices, carefully crafted vitamins, and partake in occasional cleanses with a dollar-per-calorie ratio that rivals the cost of freshly dug truffles.

+ Cold-pressed juices: $60 a week
+ GOOP-approved, seasonal cleanses: $425 for a 21-day kit @ four (4) times a year
+ A multivitamin from The Honest company made with organic, bio-available ingredients: $20 a month …

Total yearly damage + one-time watch purchase: an estimated $50,000 a year to achieve what we in the biz call “anonymous chic.”

So, how much exactly does it take to look just so? By our unsophisticated calculations (carry the one…) in order to look like the third fourth Olsen sister, one must be prepared to pony up an astounding $119,448 a year. That’s right, the grand total is: $119,448.

Considering that I just placed an order for $5 mascara from Target to finally replace the mascara I bought back when Babygirl was nothing but a tadpole, I am probably not the best person to comment on this. That said, here we go!

Didn’t Michael Pollan tell us to save money by being the kind of people who would take vitamins and then not taking them? Oh hey, yes, he did. He would probably also advise not shelling out for cleanses and cold-pressed juices, what with his whole “Eat food!” thing. Instead of paying top dollar for fish oil capsules, buy tins of tasty, low-cost sardines and mackerel. No one ever got fat — or, for that matter, dumber — by eating fish.

ELLE recommends a $226 caftan-inspired dress from Steven Alan. There are cheaper caftans, though! Ones that don’t look like the clothing equivalent of porridge, either. Here’s a pretty white flowy one for $60. This simpler J. Crew version is under $80, though does seem like something an observant Jew would wear on Yom Kippur.

As for accessories, that Cartier watch that costs — and probably weighs — as much as a Buick? Forget it. So old-school. Even the most expensive Apple Watch will only set you back $17,000, and, like most people, you’ll probably settle for the $350 model, which comes in fun colors.

Saving money on hair can be tricky: cuts, trims, products … all that adds up. Luckily there’s a shortcut. Dye it grey! That’s what all the cool kids are doing. Cheaper to maintain than blonde, I’m sure. Plus, passers by will be so dazzled by your daring that they won’t notice whether you have flyaways or you’ve let your mane grow an inch too long.

Et voila! You’re still beautiful, in a looking-like-you’re-not-trying way, but for a lower price. You’re welcome.

Alternatively, if you’re in the market for an easy-to-maintain look that’s also easy on the wallet, may I recommend Lumbersexual?

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