The Cost of Things: Revenge

Certain activists have used glitterbombs as part of their colorful, attention-getting protests for a while now, but why should the vindictive use of craft products be restricted to them? Now, for $9.99, you can have glitter sent directly to your enemies.

No, really. The website is called shipyourenemiesglitter.com and they are very bleeping serious.

We fucking hate glitter. People call it the herpes of the craft world. What we hate more though are the soulless people who get their jollies off by sending glitter in envelopes.

We’ve had enough so here’s the deal: there’s someone in your life right now who you fucking hate. Whether it be your shitty neighbour, a family member or that bitch Amy down the road who thinks it’s cool to invite you to High Tea but not provide any weed.

So pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send them so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding that shit everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.

Oh, Ester, you say. What a fantastic idea; I’ve got my checkbook ready in one hand and my enemies list in the other. But for some of these people, glitter, as a punishment and as a message, is too … subtle. Do you have anything more overt? More smelly? Something like the putrescent corpse of a fish, only easier to send through the mail?

Vindictive friend, I do. Only, it’ll cost you. (In Bitcoin.)

Thanks to the online Shitexpress service, you can now anonymously send horse poop in a box to anyone in the world — nicely packed and with a personalized, handwritten message. Nobody will ever discover your terrible deed because the service promises 100% anonymity — it works through Bitcoin cryptocurrency payments. Who’s it gonna be, huh? Your boss, teacher, or your ex-wife? You’d better be nice to everyone around you too, or you might find yourself with a smelly package on your doorstep!

The website ShitExpress.com specifies that they now take PayPal, too, and that you can choose which kind of animal waste best expresses your contemptuous rage. At $17, that’s rather a good deal.

Sadly, I’m such a girl: if I were all a-froth with fury, I’d rather spend the $17 on a pedicure or something to put me in a better mood. Or on visiting a shooting rage. I did that once when I was super angry and it was fun way to channel negative emotion. Perhaps folks who have spent their money on vengeance can testify to its soothing effects on the spirit?

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