My Last $100: Dating Edition

by Aubrey Bellamy

Or, What Prompted Me to Change My Tinder Bio to Simply: Buy me a drink.

Date 1
$18, Downtown Brown (2)
If the beautiful oblivion that only the vague promise of not spending your life alone could take a physical form, it would most certainly be the act of paying $9 for a beer you have at least three of in your fridge.

Date 2
$10 — arcade tokens
The eternal second date question: How hard should I own this guy at Mario Kart?

Possible Answers:

1) Don’t even think about owning
2) Don’t own
3) Neither don’t own, nor own
4) Own
5) Own the shit out of him

$53.48 — drink, turkey burger + fries, tip for Andrea
Paid for my meal and whole tip because:

A) The answer to the Mario Kart Inquiry is, and always will be “don’t even think about owning.
B) My companion got three drinks too many.
C) Our server Andrea was a vision in denim-on-denim and empathy, and I couldn’t bear to leave the tip in the hands of the person sitting across from me.
[d) all of the above]

$7 — Lyft, 2.4 miles
See above: B)

$4.99 — Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer (cherry)
This one hurts. Light a candle for me, anyone who has ever used the dimly lit, possibly haunted bathroom at Messhall in Los Feliz.

Aubrey Bellamy is a female person on the Internet (and in Los Angeles).

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