Astrology for the Independently Wealthy

Back when we were all tenant farmers or indentured servants, there was probably not much point in reading horoscopes. To be accurate, they would have had to say things like “Taurus: Be careful, my bullish friend, because, thanks to the baleful influence of Saturn, you run a high risk of contracting diphtheria after being chased by cossacks and spending twelve hours unconscious in a ditch,” or “Scorpio: Consumption will make you look extra radiant this month, as Venus aligns with Jupiter. It might be a good time to seduce that landowner next door and produce his illegitimate child.”

Nowadays our lives are less nasty, brutish, and short, so we can enjoy the comforting nonsense — or do I mean, eerie prescience? — of astrology. And boy do we ever! We can get daily jibberjabber from hundreds of sites. For example:

Leo, today you could feel the need to work on your finances — pay bills, make deposits, and plan a budget for next month — but your heart won’t be in it. Your mind is probably on more interesting projects. If you try to force it, you’ll be unable to concentrate, so it could be a waste of time. It won’t hurt if you wait a few days. You should be in a more practical space by then.

Good advice! What does it have to do with being born in August? Oh well, who cares. The more highbrow among us can also get helpful hints from Susan Miller, the Hairpin’s Galactic Rabbit, or the Rumpus’s Madame Clairevoyant:

Cancer: This week, the world’s going to press in around you, maybe, like there’s not always enough room to breathe, like there’s not enough room for the love and generosity that you want. Try to push back, this week; try to work on making space. You can make the world more open and you can make the air easier to breathe and you can build space to breathe, space to move, space to live so well. Spend your days in museums, spend your days in libraries, spend your days wandering all dreamy and safe and free.

If I only had a trust fund, Mme Clairevoyant, I would, I totally would. What about you? Do you ever take financial — or other kinds — of advice from the stars? Are there any horoscopes you trust?

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