Justin Bieber Crowdfunds His Next Album

by Lucas Kavner

I’m Justin Bieber, and I think it’d be sweet if y’all paid for me to record my next album.

I know a lot of haters out there are gonna hate on this. “But Biebs, you recently spent upwards of $450,000 on a single birthday party,” they’ll say. Or “Your shoe collection alone costs more than I will earn in my entire lifetime, times three.”

To them I say: You have no idea how many shoes I truly own, it’s actually a crippling addiction. But that’s not the point. I’m doing this for my fans. I love my #Beliebers and my #Beliebers love me. And the perfect way to give back to my #Beliebers is to make my #Beliebers pay for my next album.

This isn’t your grandpa’s music industry anymore, y’all. This is the future of music. We’re living in a world where Soundgarden is spun on oldies stations. Now, I’ve never heard of Soundgarden, but my manager told me that shit was significant. Times are changing. Twitter is the new record label, Instagram is the new marketing, and #ShirtlessSelfies are the new everything.

I’m not mailing you any “incentives” cause y’all know I don’t have the time or patience for any of that shazz. But if you give me $10, I’ll nod my head. Give me $25, I’ll pump my fist. $100, double fist pump (that’s two hands, y’all). $500, I’ll say your name once, softly, under my breath. $10,000, I will write your name down on a piece of paper, dotting the i’s with hearts, and then I’ll fold it and put it in a drawer somewhere. $100,000, I write your name on some of the fancy paper my mom got me to send thank you notes.

I know many of my fans are pretty young and probably don’t have that much money to give me for this, so if y’all need to ask your parents for help, that’s totally cool. Just say it’s for your #education or some shazz. Or food or whatever. I don’t know. Whatever you guys normally ask your parents for, just ask for that, and then give it to my album.

The thing is: Yeah, I could technically record my album with my major label, and I’ve had a lot of success with that model in the past. But if I do it this way, I get to have final say on the final cut. Y’all don’t know how hard I fought to have my unreleased jam, “I Want More Shoez And Hatz” featured on my last album, but the record label turned it down.

My next album will definitely have that song on it and a whole bunch of others, also. Like the one I wrote with Jaden Smith called, “Sh*es/H*ts (The Hats and Shoes Song)” and another one I co-wrote with that kid from Jerry Maguire called “#Sex.”

This is the world now and I’m so #blessed to be making music for y’all #Beliebers. And just remember, if you don’t have the time or #money to contribute to this crowdfund, you can basically forget about ever getting a chance to talk to me.

Lucas is a writer and performer based in New York. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s, The Washington Post, Flavorwire, and as a staff reporter for the Huffington Post. Co-creator of The Days of Yore. Twitter: @Lucaskavner

Photo: lwpkommunikacio

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