How I Paid Off My Demonic Debt in Just Seven Years
Much like other Millennials, I was tricked. In order to finance my future, I had to take out more loans than I could afford. When I looked at my impending payments it felt like they would stretch on for eternity. But after only seven years, I was finally able to pay off my debts to Azeriforth, Seventh King of the Nether Realm, Lord of Pain, Taxes, and Dishes Left in the Sink.
If you are currently in debt to a demon, don’t despair! Here are some tips on how you too can pay off your infernal debt.
Commit to paying off your debt
Paying off your debt to an otherworldly entity isn’t a mindset, it’s a lifestyle. You have to eat, breathe, and sleep debt repayment! Mostly because you won’t have a choice, since your eternal being will be chained to Azeriforth’s side. It’s important for you to sit down and chant, “I will pay off this debt someday” six times in a row, three times a day, just to get yourself in the mood to get rid of that demonic energy imbued inside all of your success.
Set a budget
It’s important to know where you stand when you’re headed to the sulphuric ash pits to be Azeriforth’s unwitting servant for all eternity. Sit down and figure out the easiest places to cut costs and time out of your budget. Make sure to read the fine print of the blood contract you signed and determine how much time you actually have left on Earth. After that, cut out your frivolous expenditures like going out every night with friends and sleeping in your new apartment that smells vaguely of tannis root, so you can escape the yawning pits below your feet.
This was the easiest way to lower my loan payments and the interest rate on my soul! I begged, borrowed, and pleaded with Azeriforth to refinance what my soul was worth and he gave me a great deal. All I would have to do is supplement my soul with some other people’s souls and he would reduce my debt by several centuries. I felt like I could finally sit back, relax, and breathe in the sulphurized air.
Get a side hustle
I was already working full-time on paying down my debt — and thanks to my soul budget, I had cut off every frivolous expenditure that ever existed in my life. After I finished refinancing, it was time for me to hustle. Hustle people’s souls, that is.
I started taking on side gigs, like convincing people to contact Azeriforth using a spirit board so they can make bargains with him for fame and fortune just like I did. Each soul is another century off my debt!
Ask your family for help
Of course, I have to mention that my family really helped me out. I’m incredibly lucky that my parents did give me one of their souls in order to help me pay down my debt faster! It was super sweet and really did take a lot of time off my unholy debt. And honestly, if I hadn’t been able to pay off my debt, it would have been nice to have some family in the unending pit of despair to remind me what my priorities are.
I do miss my dad, though.
Take a job with loan forgiveness
Finding a job with loan forgiveness could be the key to getting out of your infernal debt completely. I suggest signing up with whatever holy order you can join — many religions have at least one! Of course, that would mean having to give up all the kickass stuff that Azeriforth’s bargain was able to get you.
The holy life isn’t for everyone, and you have to work for ten years before you see any returns on it. There’s really no guarantee that it even works (only 1 percent of holy order members got their souls forgiven last year, according to the most recent data) and it’s much more fun to just keep living your life as is, not worrying about the demonic anvil hanging over your soul for all eternity.
Maybe you should just come with me to a séance and we can reach out to Azeriforth together! That way I can walk you through what his contracts look like, and what you need to know should you choose to take on some infernal debt of your own.
Connor Relyea is a comedy writer and performer living in Brooklyn. His satire writing can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case and Robot Butt. Follow him @CRelyea12.
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