On Giving Back When You’re Older

The trouble with “paying your own way” is that it often means “paying the minimum of what you think is your share.”

It’s like when one person in a household says “I’m doing 50 percent of the cleaning,” and the other person knows it’s more like 38 percent of the cleaning, or like when you go to dinner with your friends and everyone calculates exactly what they think they owe and the bill is still $5 short.

To fully pay your way, you have to give more. You have to account for the sludge that gets into life, whether it’s the literal sludge around a bathroom sink drain or the fact that group expenses always seem to be the reverse of the hotel bellboy riddle, and no matter how you do the math there is still a dollar missing.

Yesterday, I tallied up some recent travel expenses and tagged the post “It is my singular goal to give back to the group at least as much as it gives unto me.” I’ve written about this before, but it sort of hits you in the face again when you hang out with people for a week and think “I do not have a car, I do not have a reliable phone, even if I pay my own way I am still taking more than I give back.”

And then I thought “well, maybe I can give back when I’m older.”

This, by the way, is an extremely childlike sentiment coming from a person who is 33 years old. But hey, we all know the economy we’re in, right? 33 is the new 23, or whatever. I still live in the equivalent of a dorm room, and my refrigerator is not full-sized.

But what’s going to happen when I’m 43? I’d love to think that my income will continue on an upward trajectory, although I know that is an assumption designed to ensure I remain a productive member of society, the adult equivalent of “if you are good, then Santa Claus will bring you lots of presents.” Santa Claus doesn’t bring gifts based on your behavior; he brings gifts based on the operating budget of the larger entity responsible for issuing paychecks and/or allowance money. If that goes broke, you go broke too. (Even freelancers.)

But let’s say I do have more disposable income in 10 years, and the Pacific Northwest hasn’t been crushed by a wall of water. That’s when I get to start giving back, right? That’s when I get to start picking up the check for the younger friend or relative who can’t afford it? That’s when I start contributing beyond my share, cleaning out the sludge, paying the extra dollar?

There are so many factors involved that I know I can’t predict — or plan for — anything, though:

If I am 43 —

And I have disposable income —

And I have no expensive health issues —

And I have stable housing —

And my immediate family and any dependents are not in need of unexpected or outsized financial support —

And I’m saving enough for retirement, I guess —

Then I can start giving back.

Ugh. When you put it that way it sounds so very stingy. Like only sharing the crumbs left over on your plate. And sure, there are times in everyone’s life when they need to keep more than they give, or when they need to take more from the group than they give back.

But I would be sad if I never got to be in a situation where I could give more than I received. I mean, I’m sad now about it. Being 33, financially stable, and single-with-no-dependents, I should be giving much, much more.

But, as I’ve also written before, even being financially stable doesn’t mean having a lot left over. My checking account balance is currently $230.69. My savings account balance is $1,116.79. The only practical application of “giving much, much more” is “giving $30 to a friend’s GoFundMe” or “buying someone lunch, once.”

So. Maybe when I’m older. Or maybe now, but by degrees. Adding a little more to what I give back every year.

Because paying just enough to cover your own way isn’t enough to cover the actual cost of being a person, among other people.

To fully pay your way, you have to give more.

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