$13K A Year For Poop: How Does That Compare On The Open Market

It’s no secret that people strapped for cash have access to some relatively easy ways to make a buck. Sell yourself! Science has deep pockets.

But now there’s a new, exciting, and even grosser than usual way to profit from your own biology. A lab in Boston wants your poop for a good cause. That’s right, your foul bodily waste could actually work magic for someone else.

the non-profit company OpenBiome is actually paying for stool samples in order to create lifesaving fecal transplant treatments for those infected with Clostridium difficile, a bacteria which is highly resistant to antibiotics. … The going rate is $40 per donation, with a $50 kicker for those who come five days a week. This translates into $250 per week, or $13,000 per year. OpenBiome tries to make the experience as fun as they can by offering prizes to donors who make the most donations, provide the biggest sample, etc.

Don’t start unbuckling your belt just yet, though. You have to meet various stringent requirements; and besides, going five days a week every week for a whole year will almost certainly interfere with your day job. Perhaps you’re better off doing something more old school, like donating blood. Let’s crunch the numbers, shall we?

Here’s the going rate for selling your effluvia:

BLOOD

Plasma: $30 per visit and you can go every other day, if you like, once you’re cleared. NB:

Be aware that California does not allow financial compensation for blood products, and seems to insist that doing the good deed of providing blood cannot involve enlightened self-interest in any way. Also take note that the FDA has forbidden people who it considers to be at a high risk of HIV from donating at any price whatsoever, and would-be donors who admit to having had male-male sexual intercourse since 1977 are rejected on the basis that they “might have been exposed to HIV” — despite the fact that being at risk is not limited to any one sexual orientation. I haven’t spoken with any blood bank staff who agree with this policy, but they all seem to perpetuate it through their enforcement of it regardless.

Here are the official Red Cross requirements. Inconvenience Level: Medium. The process takes 90 minutes and involves needles, but sometimes they give you a movie to watch, and/or a cookie afterwards.

Platelets: $50 per visit, but you’re capped at once every two weeks, max, or 24 times a year. Still, if you keep it up, 24x a year = $1,200. Inconvenience Level: Medium. The process takes a couple of hours and involves needles.

HAIR

$400-$600+, and you can do it over the Internets! Just like Jo March did.

Buyers are looking for healthy, “virgin” hair that is 10 inches long or longer. If your hair has been dyed, bleached, permed or you’re a smoker, you aren’t likely to find a buyer. … Look through other listings (both current and completed) to determine a fair market value for your hair. Be sure to compare your hair to similar listings, or you may not arrive at an accurate figure. (Prices in the high hundreds to low thousands are common). … Once you’ve reached an agreement with a buyer, cut and ship your hair according to the buyer’s specifications. For your protection, do not ship the hair until a full payment has been received (usually handled through PayPal). Also consider purchasing delivery confirmation and insurance.

Inconvenience Level: Mild.

SPERM

$100 per visit, once you’ve been screened. As the Guardian puts it:

Sperm donation, an unregulated business, has launched many an (impoverished?) Hollywood screenwriter’s dream. First, there was Joey on “Friends,” who often relied on sperm donation to make ends meet. Then there was Mark Ruffalo in The Kids are All Right and Vince Vaughn in Delivery Man.

There’s a reason for that. Good sperm has benefitted from increasing demand, particularly if you’re Danish. It’s also easy to donate, frequently. Men can donate as often as two or three times a week, earning up to $1,200 a month.

It doesn’t come without strings, however: California donors who earn over $600 a year are required to pay taxes on their earnings from sperm donation. Also, be careful: in the end you might be called on to pay child support for the children that your little swimmers have created.

Inconvenience Level: Ha!

BONE MARROW

Several hundred dollars. But this one hurts.

Most people tend to think that donating bone marrow requires surgery, and this used to be the case. Today, it’s done with a needle and an incision that’s so small it doesn’t even require stitches. Nor does it require a hospital stay — donors frequently drive themselves to their appointment, and drive themselves back home afterwards. Within seven to fourteen days, they’re back to normal. Bone marrow generally goes for:

$125 for 25 cubic centimeters,
$200 for 50 cubic centimeters, and
$450 for 100 cubic centimeters

Additionally, white blood cells can be donated for about $350 in a procedure that lasts approximately five hours. …

While certainly not the most pleasant means of raising money, marrow donation is one of the few legal means of raising over $100 dollars an hour over four hours.

Inconvenience Level: Pretty high. “One donor, a college student, described it as hurting ‘really frickin bad’. He also described the pain as increasing with each withdrawal on a given day.” Well, at least he didn’t have to resort to actual profanity.

EGGS

$8,000. This one hurts too, and it can take quite a while, but 8,000 is a lot of dollars.

Inconvenience Level: High. Remember, hormones are real, and they are not to be trifled with:

In seminars I had to routinely resist the impulse to pause class for a group hug or slide under the table to weep about how much I loved The Moviegoer. I see a plastic bag drifting in the wind one afternoon and start crying, then realize this is like that scene from American Beauty, then I cry over American Beauty, then I cry over the fact that I am crying over American Beauty.

But none of this crying was from actually being sad; I just felt too connected to the lives of others, to the vulnerability I could hear in someone’s voice or hanging plainly on his face. If I made eye contact with anyone I immediately wanted to mourn and rejoice them. Subways were impossible. Strangers were emotional landmines. I was the menopausal, pregnant, and postpartum mother of the world.

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