Everything You Need To Know About Spending Money In A Strip Club

Do you know how to behave appropriately in a strip club? I don’t! When my bosses at the Very Important Talent Agency would kick off to go to Scores, they invited the male assistants but not the female ones. So that means my information comes directly from HBO shows, where, in an early example of sexposition, various plot-related developments would take place against a background of gyrating, half-naked dancers, and unconvincing Hollywood simulacra like Closer.

Some woman who knows only slightly more than I do circulated an email to the 60 lesbians and the sprinkling of trusted straight males she had invited to join her at a strip club for a birthday celebration. Jezebel received a copy and has annotated it; and, to be comprehensive, the site has also put together an Emily Post-style Guide To Strip Club Etiquette and Deportment with the help of a specialist named Emma.

The main takeaway? A strip club would bust even your highest weekend estimate wide open.

A little background here: many strip clubs have faced lawsuits for improperly classifying their dancers as “independent contractors” instead of employees, [editor’s note: this bullshit again!] a move that both saves the clubs money and screws the dancers out of things like unemployment and worker’s comp. Many clubs also charge incredibly high “house fees” to work, and some mess with the exchange rate dancers get for “funny money,” the house Monopoly money many strip clubs insist their customers use, when the dancers try to cash it out for the real thing.

Although many clubs have modified their labor practices in the past four or five years after getting sued, Emma says that Hustler and Little Darlings clubs, both owned by Larry Flynt’s company Deja Vu, are widely known among strippers to continue to be not-great in the fair labor department. She refuses to work at any of them.

OK so that’s good to know. If you’re going to patronize a strip club, choose a Costco-type establishment, not a Walmart-type one.

There is also the little matter of strippers being “psyched” to see these women, which Emma greets with a general snort. Women, she points out, have an unfortunate reputation among strippers for being very bad tippers. Many working dancers are not “psyched” to see them at all, she says: “Women are the WORST to dance for.”

Women are the worst! Jonathan Chait is so not surprised. If you’re a lady guest in the house, keep this in mind and please remember to tip. Oh, and you’re expected to tip everybody, so come with cash. Lots of cash.

Emma: “One or two twenties? LOL. Don’t bring your 60 douchey friends with $40 each expecting to have the greatest night ever. After two drinks with tip, you’ll have maybe $10 left.”

She does strongly concur with the lap dance versus stage show approach, though: “I WIPE MY ASS WITH STAGE MONEY. BUY A DANCE.” But she points out that the letter-writer has virtually no concept of everyone in a strip club whom it is customary to tip: the bathroom attendant, the people working the coat-check. It’s also customary to buy your dancer a drink or two. She worries that each of these women bought one lap dance at most, “then took up space for five hours watching the ‘free” stage show.”

That is indeed exactly what I would do, minus the buying a lap dance part. I would probably sit there feeling awkward and overheated, drinking club soda with lime, and reflexively throwing $20 bills at anyone who so much as looked at me. Invite me to your bachelorette parties, everyone!!

Also definitely invite Bill Murray, or be prepared for him to crash:

Gene writes in to say: “I always read stories like this and assumed they were fake, but this actually happened to me! I was sitting in a strip club, minding my own business, when I felt hands reach up to cover my eyes and a beard tickle my neck as someone leaned in real close and a voice whispered ‘Guess who.’ I thought maybe this was the worst bouncer ever, but nope — it was Bill goddamn Murray! From Charlie’s Angels! He signed a twenty and tipped the dancer before he left saying, ‘No one will ever believe you.’”

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