A Human and Her Glass of Whisky Attempt to Buy Multi-city Plane Tickets

Starting time: 8:45 p.m.

Beverage of choice: A finger and a half of Fireball brand cinnamon whisky. Neat.

Here we go.

I might as well start with the last leg first. DCA to Fort Lauderdale, which I’m going to guess is FLA? FTL? *checks google* FLL. Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood. The Hollywood of the Florida. Great.

The JoCo Cruise website says I need to be on board the Royal Caribbean Independence of the Seas by 4 p.m. on Saturday, January 31. I could do some worried math about how long it might take to get from the airport to the cruiseport, but they’re literally right next to each other.

I input DCA-FLL on Jan 31 and FLL-SEA on Feb 8 into Hipmunk.

I don’t like any of what I see on Hipmunk. I want a flight that leaves DCA at 9 a.m. and arrives in FLL at noon and costs not four hundred dollars.

This flight should cost $150. In my head, where I keep the catalog of how much flights should cost.

Trying Southwest. Two free bags, yo. I run DCA-FLL as a one-way because Southwest doesn’t care, everything’s great with Southwest.

WHY DOES SOUTHWEST NOT RUN A DIRECT FLIGHT FROM DC TO FLORIDA THEY ARE LIKE ON THE SAME MERIDIAN.

*checks google*

Not quite.

It’s 9:00 p.m. now and I have bought zero plane tickets.

Okay, the DCA-FLL flight I want is US Airways 1992, departs DCA 8:30 a.m. Jan 31, arrives FLL 11:23 a.m. and costs $399 before fees. Except I don’t want it if it costs $399 before fees.

I should check flights on Jan 30 instead and see if I want to camp out at the Jocotel (that stands for JoCo Hotel, yes, we’re all together on this). In that case it would make just as much sense to skip the DC leg and go straight from NYC and The Billfold LIVE to Fort Lauderdale. That would mean missing out on seeing my sister in DC. But maybe it means I won’t have to pay $400 for one leg of a plane ticket.

I need to run a search from NYC to FLL on Jan 30.

NYC has, like, three airports, right? LGA, JFK, and the third one.

No. Wait. Hipmunk says it has five. When did it get five?

Leaving the SEA-NYC leg out for a minute, I can get my multi-city trip from EWR-FLL-SEA on all the right days and times for $436. This seems about what flights should cost. But that would mean missing out on seeing my sister, which would be a shame, since if I’m going to that side of the country I should visit as many states and taxation-without-representation areas as I can.

Also, EWR’s in Jersey, right? I don’t know how to get there. There’s got to be a subway/commuter train.

It is, surprisingly, only 9:08.

I hate planes.

Done with Hipmunk. Tab over to United: SEA to NYC ALL on Tues Jan 27, NYC ALL to FLL on Fri Jan 30, FLL to SEA on Sun Feb 8.

Perfect flights, exactly what I would want them to be, for only $584.70.

I’m going to have to tell my sister I’m staying in NYC, aren’t I.

Change browsers, try United again: SEA to NYC ALL on Tues Jan 27, DCA to FLL on Sat Jan 31, FLL to SEA on Sun Feb 8.

LOL, United won’t even go direct DCA to FLL, they want to route me through EWR.

Fine. US Airways, SEA to NYC ALL on Tues Jan 27, DCA to FLL on Sat Jan 31, FLL to SEA on Sun Feb 8.

They want $693 for that trip.

693–585 is 108. I would no doubt spend $108 on hanging out in NYC and Fort Lauderdale instead of sleeping for free on my sister’s sofa.

But we should probably take a look at Amtrak.

Penn Station to Union Station on Jan 29 costs $86.

I hate planes.

I hate trains.

(You already know I hate automobiles because I walk everywhere.)

It’s 9:27. Pouring more Fireball.

I just spilled Fireball all over my trivet.

Booking travel plans is hard because you’ve got to keep so many things in your head at once: the actual listed cost of a train from NYC to DC, the potential cost of staying in the Pod Hotel for three nights — wait, I can check that, wait there are two Pod Hotels now, which one is closest to The Billfold LIVE at Housing Works — okay, that’s $95 a night, that’s clearly what I should do, right? Book the Pod, go from NYC to FLL, book that United flight, not try to visit DC for 48 hours.

At this point you’re probably thinking “Ah, but at what cost family? What a cruel sister, to not want to spend like $200 or something to take the extra trip to DC!”

Yup. That’s about what I’m thinking too. On the other hand, I am technically supposed to fly to FLL the night before the cruise; we cruisers have all been warned multiple times that if we fly on the day of, we might miss our entire vacation. Because accidental flight delays, like the last time I flew and got stuck on the tarmac for 2 hours. And this way I would make it to the cruiseport on time, I’d save money (in theory, although I know that one night out at Momofuku, which I think is the name of a real NYC restaurant, would eat up the $100 I saved), I’d be able to hole up in my Pod and get work done — think of all the articles I could write! all the articles! — and it just makes more sense.

It’s 9:42. I knew this would take at least an hour.

I think I have to buy the United tix and the Pod Hotel and stay in NYC from Jan 27–30.

I’ll message my sister tonight, so she doesn’t find out by reading The Billfold.

Closing time: 10:03 p.m.

Flight costs: $584.70

Hotel costs: $337.54 (with the option to cancel 24 hours prior if I find a better option)

Whisky consumed: Two fingers, probably.

Photo credit: Cristiano Betta (cropped)

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