My Last Hundred Bucks: There Is a Baby In My Apartment Edition

by Audrey Ference

Where’d your last hundo go, Audrey Ference?

I just had a kid, and having just had a kid has weirdly not changed my buying things habits that much, because oh my god people are so generous! I have been given as gifts or hand-me-downs (or purchased used for very very cheap) pretty much everything I’ve needed for this baby. I don’t know if it’s the small NYC apartments or needing to repay the karmic debt of all the free stuff they were given, but all my friends and even friend-of-friend acquaintances have given me giant bags of clothes and toys and bottles and expensive playmats and bouncers and diapers and who even knows what. So, shoutout to New York breeder hand-me-down socialism, I guess. Anyway:

$50: Groceries for the current/oncoming snowstorm(s?), nibbles for our book club

$10: Baby fart medicine. My baby has trouble farting. I hope that someday she finds this and reads it. Honey, you are terrible at getting farts out of your butt and I do not think that it’s genetic based on me and your dad.

$20: Wine. Wine that I can drink now because I am no longer pregnant thank god. I got these strips that you can ooze milk onto to tell you if there’s alcohol in your breast milk and you can definitely have a glass or two before the milk gets boozy so no need to call child protective services, it’s fine.

$20+++: Seamless. So much seamless now. I am so lazy about cooking, which I guess I will blame on the baby, but in my heart I know is just general laziness. The thing that used to compel me to not order in was hating to have to talk on the phone and not having enough cash so you know fuck it I’m a grownup and if I want to pay way too much for someone to bring me a soggy burrito that is my prerogative. And I tip well because it’s cold as shit out there.

Audrey Ference lives in New York.