Lines for a Variety of Situations Relating to Money

by Mike Dang and Logan Sachon

What to say when a friend offers to buy you a drink but you only have enough money to buy one drink over the course of the whole night:

LS: “OKAY.” (And then when you go to get another round, you just buy them a beer and you get some water because you’re trying to uh, stay hydrated.)

MD: “You can buy me a drink if you let me buy you a drink.” (And then nurse my drink a little bit, get some social time in and go home early to be in bed by 10.)

What to say when you want to hangout with someone but you don’t have any money, like, literally no money:

LS: “Want to come to my house and drink tap water? Or go on a walk and not make any stops?”

MD: “Hey, want to hang out? We can watch a movie at my place or meet at the park, or do anything else that doesn’t require money because I’m in austerity mode right now.”

What to say when you’re meeting someone for drinks but you don’t have any money and you kind of hope they’ll pay for you but you also don’t want to like, expect they’ll pay for you, but you also don’t want them to feel like they have to pay for you, and by no money, you actually have $3:

LS: “I’ll have a seltzer.”

MD: [Nothing. If I didn’t have enough money, I wouldn’t agree to meet someone for drinks.]

What to say when you’re meeting someone for drinks but you don’t have any money and you kind of hope they’ll pay for you but you also don’t want to like, expect they’ll pay for you, but you also don’t want them to feel like they have to pay for you, and by no money, you actually have zero dollars:

LS: “I left my wallet at home today, doh! Can you cover me and I’ll pay you back?”

MD: [Nothing. If I didn’t have any money, I wouldn’t agree to meet someone for drinks.]

What to say if someone asks you to dinner and you’re almost positive they are going to pay but maybe they won’t actually, and you can’t afford it, if they don’t:

LS: “I’d love to, but I don’t get paid til Wednesday.”

OR

LS: “Hot dogs in the park are more my speed right now.”

OR

LS: “Or we could couscous and salad dressing at my house.”

MD: “Oh, I’d love to, but I can’t afford to eat out right now. Next time!”

What to say if someone invites you to their house for dinner and you normally would bring wine but you can’t bring wine this time, because: no money:

LS: “Here are some flowers I stole from people’s yards on the way over here.”

OR

LS: “Here are some flowers I foraged from people’s yards on the way over here.”

OR

LS: “Everybody loves seltzer! Here’s some seltzer. It’s grapefruit flavored.”

MD: “I’m going to look in my cupboard and make something special to bring.”

What to say if your friend doesn’t have money, but you do and you are planning a date together.

MD: Let’s hang out tonight! My treat.

LS: Let’s hang out tonight! My treat.

OR

LS: Hahha me either. Come over and watch some Nashville eps?

Photo: Jenny Downing

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