Things I’ve Bought My Mom for Her Birthday
by Lauren Rodrigue
• A necklace from Etsy with her birthstone as a charm and my first initial as a charm so we would always be together. I thought that was cute. But it was very short, like a choker, so she doesn’t wear it because shes not in The fucking Craft.
• One million items of clothing and accessories that I thought would be relevant to her, but ended up being too small, too big, wrong color and promptly returned, with the refund returned to me, because she hates when I spend money on her.
• $30 gift card to LOFT (she loves LOFT)
• 525,600 Pandora charms (how do u measure a season of trendy charm bracelets du jour that no one actually likes)
• Cards (Hallmark, Papyrus, or Handwritten, depending on personal financial status and/or age at the time of the birthday)
• Home decor
• Candles that look like cakes (never lit)
• Motorcycle boots (studded)
• Millions of Boyds Bears. Boyds Bears that wore overalls. Boyds Bears that pushed wagons. Boyds Bears that sat inside wagons. Boyds bears inside terra cotta pots w/ flowers. Boyds Bears that looked like Anne Geddes babies if they weren’t bears.
• Coach leather gloves (outlet)
Lauren Rodrigue lives in Brooklyn.
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