Things I’ve Bought My Mom for Her Birthday

by Lauren Rodrigue

• A necklace from Etsy with her birthstone as a charm and my first initial as a charm so we would always be together. I thought that was cute. But it was very short, like a choker, so she doesn’t wear it because shes not in The fucking Craft.

• One million items of clothing and accessories that I thought would be relevant to her, but ended up being too small, too big, wrong color and promptly returned, with the refund returned to me, because she hates when I spend money on her.

• $30 gift card to LOFT (she loves LOFT)

• 525,600 Pandora charms (how do u measure a season of trendy charm bracelets du jour that no one actually likes)

• Cards (Hallmark, Papyrus, or Handwritten, depending on personal financial status and/or age at the time of the birthday)

• Home decor

• Candles that look like cakes (never lit)

• Motorcycle boots (studded)

• Millions of Boyds Bears. Boyds Bears that wore overalls. Boyds Bears that pushed wagons. Boyds Bears that sat inside wagons. Boyds bears inside terra cotta pots w/ flowers. Boyds Bears that looked like Anne Geddes babies if they weren’t bears.

• Coach leather gloves (outlet)

Lauren Rodrigue lives in Brooklyn.

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.