Things To Do At Work Instead Of Working (An Incomplete List)

by Chanel Dubofsky

According to my friends:

“For awhile, I had a job where I did a lot of crying at work. I was frustrated with my job and my boss, and I spent a lot of time locked in a bathroom stall, trying not to wail. I got paid to cry.”

“Some gchatting, some email, but always accompanied by guilt. Sweaty, paranoid guilt.”

“Bathroom naps. It is what it sounds like: Sitting on the toilet, (usually) not actually going to the bathroom, leaning forward with your with your head either in your hands, (watch out for the red forehead) or leaning against something, maybe the toilet paper rack. Rest for ten and twenty minutes. Either people don’t notice, or they don’t want to know what I’m was doing in the bathroom for that long.”

“Close the door to my office. Block it with a chair. Nap the heck out of an hour.”

“I do feel strongly that if you’re good at something, you don’t do it for free, meaning that I do 90% of my pooping at work, when I’m on the clock.”

“Rampant, rampant gchatting.”

“I worked at a horrible and awful corporate investment banking place, and my menial job was to keep the place looking good and clean up after everyone was gone — push in chairs, restock the fridge, recycle. When everyone left I’d raid the snack kitchen, use the book binding machine to make notebooks, read the New York Times in the recycling bin, spin on the chairs. It felt subversive, and it made me feel better about my 1960s style Mad Men job.”

“When I was 15, I worked at a retirement home and worked as a ‘waitress’ in the kitchen basically. In addition to eating all the dessert all the time, I also used to sneak to the laundry room and make out with my high school boyfriend who also worked there. Scandalous! I mean we were 15. It was an upgrade from making out at the movies.”

“I have masturbated in the bathroom at least once in every office I’ve ever worked at.”

“I’ve always justified the things I do at work as being necessary for work. Reading blogs isn’t wasting time, it’s keeping abreast of current events! Which is what they hired me for. I mean, not officially, but basically. I write copy for real estate sites.”

“I used to put on all my makeup in the bathroom after I clocked in.”

“Sexting.”

Chanel Dubofsky lives in Brooklyn and is interested in your personal decisions.

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