Logan is Juliette’s Junkie Mom and Mike is Lloyd Braun
by Mike Dang and Logan Sachon
Mike: Let’s talk about one of our favorite subjects: TV. And who we would want to be on TV. I’d be happy living the lives of the Taylors on Friday Night Lights. It’s not a glamorous existence, but it’s a nice, happy, normal-ish life.
Logan: This is basically why I watch anything, for escapism and the dream of another life. FUN GAME. I spent a long time fantasizing about Sydney Bristow on Alias. This was … in college. I used it as motivation for running. And I used to want to be C.J. Cregg on West Wing. On Friday Night Lights I wanted to be Tami Taylor, yeah, but like, not married with kids. Just a cool lady with a cool accent and cool hair. Or whoever was making out with Riggs.
Mike: One of the things I liked about Friday Night Lights was about how realistic it was about families and money. Matt Saracen took a job at the Alamo Freeze because he needed money to take care of his grandmother. Coach and Tami had long, serious discussions about their careers. Tim Riggins and his brother were always having some sort of money problems. In a show like Downton, the estate was always saved by miracle money coming from somewhere. I also don’t think I’d want either the upstairs or downstairs lives on that show.
Logan: Okay so I haven’t watched season 3, BUT, I’d want to be Lady Mary for the dresses (obvz) but I’d probably be Daisy, because, well, there are more Daisy’s than Mary’s and Who Am I Kidding. Maybe I’d be the Irish guy. I don’t know. I’m watching Enlightened right now and I just started season 2 and I’m a little bit worried that I’m Amy Jellicoe. Who is an insane person. Also she has $24,000 in debt (TWINS), though she got hers because she went to Hawaii for a few months and found herself. Maybe I should have gone to Hawaii to find myself. I don’t want to be anyone on Girls because I already am everyone on Girls..
Mike: In Downton, I’d want to be Matthew, but I’m sure I’d be Carson — no actually I’d probably be that footman who dies in the war because I’m sure I wouldn’t be on the top rung of the Downstairs. I don’t think I’m anyone on Girls either, and I wouldn’t want to be any of them. Actually, Lena Dunham should write a character named Mike D. and his character would be sort of like me, but more interesting for TV, and they could cast an up-and-coming Asian American actor. So I just asked you to name me some young Asian American male actors on TV and we just had a difficult time with that. There was that dancer on Glee but he wasn’t too prominent. Oh there’s Glenn on Walking Dead. So, Lena, do it! He could be Ray’s roommate or something.
Logan: You could not get more interesting for TV. Mike. Mike. I’ve been saying this as long as I’ve known you. You were MADE for the screen. She should just cast you, is what she should do. And you could play yourself. And whip everyone into shape. Actually I think you should have your own reality TV show, where you just like, follow around just terrible messed up people and are just so sweet to them and positive and happy and give them non-judgey advice. RATING$ THROUGH THE ROOF.
Mike: *Runs away and hides* I do like helping people though, and hugging when people achieve breakthroughs. Okay, what other things are people watching? I know you hate Gunnar, but I’d probably be Gunnar on Nashville. And yes, Glenn on The Walking Dead, but not because we’re Asian American. I’d also probably be Jerry on Parks and Recreation.
Logan: Yeah Gunnar is not my favorite. I feel like if you shook his hand he’d just like, be limp, like a fish. Also I don’t like him in any scene where he’s alone with a woman, so. I’d want to be Rayna on Nashville, but I’d probably be, like, Juliette’s mom. I’ve never seen Walking Dead. I want to be Aubrey Plaza IRL, so I’d be April on Parks and Rec. I’d be Elaine on Seinfeld. Felicity on Felicity (though I’m not happy about that one — another certified loony). Bunk on The Wire.
Mike: Okay, you have to explain to me why you think you’d be Juliette’s rehab-going mother. I don’t know who I would be on Seinfeld, but you’re telling me from across the room that I’d be a minor character named Lloyd Braun, who apparently is George’s nemesis because his parents always ask, “Why can’t you be more like Lloyd Braun?” I don’t know how I feel about that. And I guess I’d be Noel on Felicity, and probably Lester on The Wire.
Logan: Oh you know. She’s a late bloomer! And a fabulous single lady! With some vices! A mess that cleans up well! Yes you’d totally be Lloyd Braun. I think he has a breakdown at some point, so not that part. But he’s like, too-good-to-be-true, which is sometimes how I think people think of you, except YOU ARE REAL (confirmed). I think Noel is a good choice for Felicity but actually I think you might be more of a Hannah, you know, his girlfriend played by Jennifer Garner in a three-episode arc in season one. She was just so reasoned and calm! Also: smart. HMMM. I don’t know about Lester. He was wise and funny and had a quirk (dollhouse furniture!) You love Abe Lincoln. But he was a rule breaker. I see you more as a Lt. Daniels. Upright citizen. Game player.
Mike: Arrested Development: I’m either George Michael or just Michael. Freaks and Geeks: I’m definitely a geek. Either Sam or Neal. Sex and the City: I don’t know. Not Aidan.
Logan: For me: Lucille. Lindsay. Carrie before she gets her shit together. Michael liked family time, you’re def Michael. I think you could be Aidan! He was a good planner and had a business and a cabin upstate. Responsible planner with his Shit Figured Out. Aaaaannnnnd I think I win this round for bringing it back to money?
Mike: Haha. Yes, we sort of got off topic there. But it’s Friday! We’re having fun.
Logan: Seriously who wants to talk about money on a Friday afternoon (or, ever). NOT THIS GAL.