One Way to Apply for a Job

by Allie Werner

1. Prepare your resume and cover letter. If you know any successful professionals, have them read it over for you and ask them what they think. Respond graciously to criticism. If you don’t know any successful professionals, work on finding more successful friends.

2. Send out your resume and cover letter to jobs that you think you are qualified to do. You are probably wrong.

3. If you don’t hear back from the human resources department after two weeks, send them a polite e-mail inquiring about the status of your application. Resist the urge to start every inquiry with “dearest.”

4. Build a vision board. The vision board should reflect your future goals, and include things like a clean apartment, a set of free weights, flats of kombucha, and unscuffed shoes. When you see something you don’t have and wish you had, paste it to your vision board. If you run out of room on your vision board, simply paste new objects over the old ones. You are building layers of desire. Your entire being should be shellacked with wanting.

5. Don’t forget to include yourself in your vision board. For your vision board avatar, pick someone thinner, prettier, and better dressed than you. She should be someone who looks like she can afford to buy an Amy’s frozen dinner at the grocery store. Paste your head to her body.

6. If you can, steal a lock of hair from a human resources representative and pin it to your vision board.

7. It is you versus the void. Fight the void anyway you can. Focus on sending your personal energies buzzing outwards through the air and into the ears of human resource representatives everywhere. Make the universe vibrate like a plucked string.

8. If none of this works, maybe you need a better vision board.

Allie Werner doesn’t know the Secret, but she once met someone who claimed to have manifested a hot tub. She lives in Brooklyn.

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