Drafting a Letter to Sallie Mae

by Lilly ODonnell

First Draft:

Listen up you soulless bastards,

I don’t have the money, ok?! I’m broke! You happy now?!
What’re you, the damn mob? You gonna break my legs?
I don’t have the money, which means you can’t have it. The end.

Suck on that, jerks.

Screw you,
Lilly O’Donnell

Second Draft:

To my tormentor, demon of my nightmares, cloud over my sunny days; to Sallie Mae,

This is the last time I’m going to try to explain this before I fake my death and move to Cuba, so please, pay attention.

You lured me in with the big checks, how could I resist? Now that you’ve lulled me into a false sense of financial security, the free ride is over and payday has come; you student loan crack dealer, you. But I’m not good for it. I’m just not.

I beg of you, take mercy on my tortured soul, witness the destruction you have wrought and let me be.

Pleadingly yours,
Lilly O’Donnell

Third Draft:

Come on, man, seriously, that grace period was laughably short, you can’t really expect that so soon after graduation I would be able to afford these payments…

I swear I’ll make the payments when I can. Just stop sending me such threatening mail, please.

Please, just make it stop.

Respectfully,
Lilly O’Donnell

Final Draft:

To Whom It May Concern,

Regrettably, I am unable to make the payments as scheduled at this time. Please assist me in setting up a more realistic payment plan.

Sincerely,
Lilly O’Donnell

Lilly O’Donnell blogs about women’s issues for Bust Magazine, and rants about America’s student debt crisis to anyone who will listen. She’s also working on her first book; a biography of her deceased artist father and a study of the creative lifestyle.

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