The Best Snacks (In Mostly Ascending Order)

Last week, Mallory Ortberg (who also happens to have another funny text correspondence today on The Hairpin) told me that Clif Bars are terrible snacks, so I asked her to send me a listicle of the best things to eat between meals. Here’s what she sent me:

• Mango (the pre-sliced kind in the plastic box, which is ostensibly fresh but often crunchy in practice).
• Mango (dried).
• Mango (fresh).
• Kudos, those little granola bars they used to make with candy bits inside but I’m pretty sure they don’t make ’em anymore.
• That dried seaweed thing they sell at Trader Joe’s.
• Chocolate-covered almonds.
• Cheese, any kind.
• Yogurt (fancy and thick expensive. Sheep’s milk, even. Icelandic-strained. Go nuts).
• NOT HUMMUS. Hummus is a lie that we tell ourselves in order to pretend we’re having fun at our demeaning job with our lousy snacks, and the fact that sitting all day is going to kill us but “oh, look at this stiff tan glue I can dip these old celery sticks in! Wheee!” is not going to make up for the absolutely soul-wearying shittiness of BEING A THING THAT THINKS.
• Bourbon (“work bourbon” if you are feeling fancy).
• Chips (any kind).
• Pizza (cold).
• Chips (salt and vinegar).
• Pizza (room temperature).
• Churros.

Photo: Flickr/Daniel E. Lee