The State of Things: Bugging Out, and Mr. Freeze
by Mike Dang and Logan Sachon
Mike: Logan, how has your week been going?
Logan: This whole week has been a total wash for me, Mike. I mean, there have been some high points, but I’ve basically just been in a haze of not doing work and spending money because I am obsessed with bed begs and they are all I can think about. Who can think of personal finances at a time like this? NOT ME.
Do I have bed bugs? Do I not have bed bugs? Is that chocolate sprinkle a bed bug? Is the polka dot on my pillow case a bed bug? I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW NEW YORKERS LIVE THIS WAY.
Mike: Hey, we all have these sort of weeks. And I can totally cover for you. Let’s talk about this spending money business first. What are you spending money on?
Logan: Um spending money on just living man. Drinks. Bottles of water. Iced coffee. Bagels with cream cheese and tomato. I started off the week needing a new MetroCard which never bodes well.
Mike: Ah, I see. Hey, it’s a bunch of little things. At least you’re not dropping money on a bunch of clothes to make yourself feel better. Okay, so bed bugs. I feel like New Yorkers go crazy over them every summer. I’ve lived here for about seven years now and have never had to encounter them — knock on wood — but I certainly know people who have, and, yes, it can drive a person insane, but there’s only so much you can stress out about it.
I’m guessing the money associated with having to deal with bed bugs is stressing you out.
Logan: Well, yeah. So basically: My roommate confirmed that they are in her room, but she’s on the other side of the house. And I’ve been OBSESSIVELY SEARCHING for signs of them in my room but there is none. But I think we have to treat the whole damn place, or else they’re just leave her room and come to our rooms? I’m not sure. I can’t stop reading people’s bed bug stories. This shit takes over people’s LIVES. I haven’t spent any money yet, but whenever I start, it’s going to be like, $200 I think. On mattress covers and plastic bags and who knows what else.
Mostly I’ve just been buying a lot of ice cream. (To prepare.)
Also I’m feeling annoyed because I feel like this is a classic scenario. I start making more money (freelance), and then immediately something comes up that takes all that money. Also the ice cream is great for now but I’m like three cones away from having to join a gym, which I cannot afford/do not want to do.
Mike: Well, I totally get what sort of headspace you’re in right now because if there were any signs of bed bugs in my apartment, I’d freak out too. But the good things are that you actually haven’t found any evidence of bed bugs in your room yet, and that you’re taking care of it before you do. I remember my friend Karen telling me about a close friend of her’s who got bed bugs, and she dealt with it by getting rid of everything she owned, and immediately moving out of her apartment to a new building in Jersey. Now, when she gets home, she steps into a garbage bag by her front door, undresses completely, and then ties up the bag and puts it in a box to be sent out for cleaning. Then she runs into the shower because she fears she might be hosting them somewhere on her body. I mean, this woman does this every day! It’s insaaaane. Bed bugs can really drive a person crazy. I feel like you’re doing everything you need to be doing right now, and have remained relatively sane.
Logan: ENOUGH ABOUT ME! How are you????????????????
Mike: I’m doing okay! I’m currently of stressing out about weddings I have to attend, but I’m doing fine.
Logan: How many weddings? ONE THOUSAND WEDDINGS/four weddings and a funeral? The weddings are not in the city I’m guessing.
Mike: Well, I have two immediate ones coming up. One is upstate, and another one is in Texas. The one upstate is the one I’m currently stressing out about.
Logan: What are you stressing about? I will tell you the answer.
Mike: Well, it’s really just a bunch of money. I’m flying there, and then booking a hotel, and then renting a van with some friends to drive back down to the city, and I need to start considering the gift — and that’s just one of several more weddings I have coming up this year. This is what happens when you and all your friends are about to hit 30. All your friends decide to get married.
Mike: But I am happy for them, and will give up the money I’d spend on a vacation to be there for them. I can take a vacation next year.
Logan: Well maybe the wedding is your vacation! Road trip!
Mike: I’ll certainly have as much fun as I can.
Logan: What will you be doing to have fun this weekend?
Mike: I’m going to a “Batman party,” which I’m guessing is in preparation of the new Batman movie coming out next week. I’m going to dress up at Mr. Freeze.
Logan: Hahaah, whattttttttttt
Mike: Yeah, I’m not sure what’s going on, actually. The host works for a certain pop culture weekly, and needs to re-watch all the movies to prepare for next week’s coverage. So that’s happening! I’m guessing I’m spending around $50 for that? And then on Sunday I’m meeting a friend I haven’t seen in a while in Central Park, which will be awesome and free if it doesn’t rain. I might get a haircut too. How about you?
Logan: I have a friend in town from Portland. She said she’ll buy me drinks one night, which is awesome. And I guess I’m going to buy bed bug things, so that’ll be who knows — a zillion dollars. Brunch seems like it will be a thing that happens, because people like brunch. Maybe we’ll go to a museum (we won’t go to a museum).
Mike: Well, it sounds like you’ll have a lot to talk to us about next week! Godspeed, Logan. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
Logan: fasjldfjlas;kdjfljalkfjsd Imma cut you for that. Itchyyyyyyyyyyyy.