What to Do When Your Wallet Is Stolen

Photo credit: Mike Mozart (cropped), CC BY 2.0.

1. Realize your wallet is no longer in your purse.

2. Get a notification from your bank that someone has gone on an all-out shopping spree at Macy’s.

3. Think back to the last time you went to a Macy’s. It was at a mall in San Antonio, Texas, and everything was either on sale or broken. Wonder if the thief had to buy out half the store to reach the amount they put on your card.

4. Call your bank to close your cards. Another expensive purchase has been made at Macy’s during this time. Wonder if there is even any merchandise left in that store at this point.

5. Cry at your desk. Your coworkers think someone close to you has died, so go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

6. Get pissed at Macy’s. Why isn’t anyone checking IDs in that awful store? Make up your mind to go down there and speak to a manager.

7. Walk into Macy’s and realize how different the Macy’s in San Antonio is from the Macy’s in downtown Chicago. Get a little star-struck with all of the expensive items that surround you.

8. Approach two extremely nice salespeople who sincerely empathize with your plight. Meekly ask to see a manager, and watch as they make a big scene of immediately calling someone over.

9. Get introduced to the manager. She asks you if you need a hug. Say yes and get cradled in her arms.

10. Mid-hug, have an out-of-body experience and wonder why you are at Macy’s.

11. Try to leave Macy’s and get lost. Cry in the mattress section. While you are weeping with your head in your hands, notice a pair of polished black shoes in front of you. Look up into a security guard’s worried face. It is clear he thinks someone close to you has died, and you have come to mourn in Macy’s.

12. Listen to the security guard’s kind words about dealing with life’s curveballs as he guides you to the door. Pass a woman on your way out, and nod when she asks if you’re alright. Decline her offer of a hug.

13. Step outside onto the street. Make eye contact with a panhandler who looks at your tear-stained face and quickly averts his eyes. He too thinks someone close to you has died.

14. Go home and sit on your bed. Stare at the wall. Become increasingly resentful that because you no longer have any money or an ID, you must stay in tonight. Disregard the fact that this morning you were looking forward to a quiet night.

15. File a police report online.

16. Go to the Macy’s website. Try to guess what the thief bought.

17. Remember you have to go to the DMV tomorrow to get a replacement ID. Start crying again.

18. Find a new wallet on Macys.com. Put it in your shopping cart so you can purchase it in 7-10 business days, when your new credit cards come in the mail, your bank has fully reimbursed you, and life is back to normal.

Adrienne is a writer living in Chicago, whose work has appeared on sites like McSweeney’s, Reductress, and CollegeHumor. Follow her on Twitter: @acteeley.

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