I Guess I Should Start Thinking About Retirement

Crap.

Every now and again, I get mail from various 401(k)s from previous jobs I’ve held. Each of these accounts holds very little money. Once, a piece of mail that I was going to throw away turned out to be a check for $65.42, from one of my 401(k)s; I don’t know why they were sending me the money, but I deposited the check and threw away the letter that accompanied it. This is my blind spot. This is one of many areas that I am woefully financially illiterate. “Figure out what to do with all my 401(k)?????” shows up on my to-do list every couple of months, to be moved from day to day and then finally ignored.

My father occasionally offers a cautionary tale — he didn’t contribute to a 401(k) until way late and he has always told my sister and I to do so. Every job offer we’ve accepted, he’s asked about that benefit. I dutifully moved part of my paycheck to the 401(k) and said a silent thanks to the HR department for making the ability to do so painless. Now that I am working for myself at the moment, I am the HR department — a fact that shines a spotlight on my woeful inability to be organized in ways that could be beneficial to my future. I save money. I keep track of what I make. I try to be mindful of what I spend. But I don’t have a “retirement” fund, because I really never see myself not working.

What does one do if they don’t work? What gives life structure? Free time is great, but part of the reason it is is because it feels earned. You work in order to gain the right not to. Once you’ve had your allotted time, you go back to work in order to rack up the hours to make your free time worth it. When you work for yourself, this way of thinking is particularly deranged, much like the fact that on Fridays, I work from the couch instead of my desk as a “treat.” I like working because I like feeling useful. I hate working because I enjoy leisure time and also sleep. But to theoretically face the second half of my life not working at all just because I can sounds boring, scary and ultimately depressing.

As of right now, I don’t have a 401(k). Any money that I am saving will go towards my taxes; whatever’s left over will just sit in my bank account until further notice, waiting patiently for the day I decide to close my computer and stop working, though I imagine I will likely collapse one day in front of my laptop, geriatric but still blogging. Money saved for retirement is a stopgap against this nightmare scenario; a retirement fund would allow me to look at my life and realize that hey, it’s okay to work a little less. You have the money. You can pay your rent. You can buy food and maybe a new book. You can pay for health insurance. You’re going to be fine.

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