The Sweat Don’t Stop

A Guide to Siphoning the City’s Air Conditioning on the Cheap

Summer in the city: the great blossoming time that rom-coms adore where everyone walks around feeling like change could happen any second. Destiny is right around the corner! And the streets smell like hot trash.

It’s not that I don’t like the summer. I love firecrackers, both the light-up-and-explode kind and the popsicle variety. I love days in the park as much as the next person. It’s just the sweating I can’t stand. For me, a large part of summer is standing in a packed subway car with forty-seven other people who are each wearing a layer of sweat and bumping into me by accident.

Luckily, I have evolved with my environment and now have a variety of survival and adaptation tactics for keeping cool in the armpit of summer. Through careful scheduling, fibbing, and sometimes even conniving, I manage to spend almost all of my inside time in presence of an air conditioner without ever actually paying for air conditioner privileges.

Keeping in mind that running your air conditioning unit, according to Golden Valley Electric Association, costs around $140.00 a month, I like to think I save a good amount of cash by never paying for AC.

Here’s a day in the life of me, trying to stay chill in the summer:

7:00 AM — Wake up, wipe the sweat off my body, and get dressed. Lament, to an empty bedroom, how much I wish crop tops were work appropriate. Slather deodorant on my body and walk out in to the beaming bright world.

7:30 AM — Go to local coffee shop and order an ice coffee, extra ice ($4.25). Sit under the AC vent and let two different moms with toddlers order before me so I can dry the sweat off my work appropriate shirt.

8:00 AM — Ride the subway to work. Pretend I am in an ice cube. (Positive thinking is FREE.)

8:15 AM — Get to work. My job primarily involves working with children, so I go outside with them a few times a day during the summer. Inside, there’s light air conditioning, but I frequently fight for the spot near the open door for bonus air.

12:00 PM — Lunchtime! I go to the local grocery store and stand in the frozen food section pretending to ponder if I want a Marie Callender’s chicken pot pie or a Lean Cuisine chicken Alfredo microwavable dinner. I really think about it as the cool air brushes my face and flash-freezes the sweat beads near my hairline. Eventually, a grocery store employee asks me if I need help with anything. I say no and buy an orange ($1.05).

1:00 PM — Get back to work. I think about making a new game for the kids, where they run around me as fast as they can, causing an air current that might feel like a breeze. I realize that this air current will also smell like jam and play-doh, so I facilitate a game of Simon Says instead.

4:00 PM — After work I take a quick subway ride to the American Museum of Natural History. One of New York City’s many ‘pay what you want’ museums, I can enter this fortress of AC and knowledge while only spending my pocket change. The Artic exhibit looks great ($2.50).

6:30 PM — For dinner, I go to a local taco joint and order three chicken tacos. I sit in the back of the place, catty-corner from the kitchen (the hottest part of the restaurant) and directly next to the fan. Even though my mouth is burning with spicy goodness, my body is starting to feel cooled down ($6.00).

8:00 PM — After dinner, I like to visit my local public library and read the comic books and graphic novels on display. The library is not only my favorite community resource, but also a great place to go when it’s sweltering outside (FREE).

9:00 PM — Finish out the night with a popsicle. The bodega is blasting AC out the front door to bring people inside, and a cherry pop will cool off my insides and outsides. Before making a choice, I plunge my hand in the ice box for a while and rummage around feeling all the cold air ($1.25).

For me, one day of extreme air conditioning usage and employing various ‘stay cool’ hacks costs $14.50. Considering that I typically try to limit myself to one food item a day (a coffee ($4.25) OR a popsicle ($1.25) OR a dinner out ($6.00),) my tricks of the trade cost anywhere from as low as $4.80 to $9.05.

BONUS POINTS: If you’re in for the free AC long game like I am, going to the museum and sticking your head in freezer drawers won’t cut it. Here are some long-term solutions to your sweaty problem.

• Volunteer once a week in an old folks home. Old people need AC, and you will be helping the world. Plus, there’s a good chance of free snacks.
• Sign up for free classes/panels at a local community center, YMCA, library, etc. Every session gives you a chance to learn a new skill as well as time to stop sweating buckets.
• Make friends with people who have AC. Initially this tip seems manipulative. It’s bad to make a friend just for what they have to offer. But making a great new friend with the bonus of being able to hang out in their fancy air-conditioned loft? More of a moral gray area.

Sarah Beth Kaye is a writer, zine maker, and comic book enthusiast living in NYC. She loves roller derby and eating. You can follow her on Twitter at @oheyitsSBK

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