Here Are Your Public Transit Options, America

PS: they are terrible

Even the Washington Post finds it hilarious that someone ranked the DC Metro the #1 public transit system in the country. “We know this has to be accurate because we reproduced these results with a dartboard,” deadpans Fredrick Kunkle. He then asks, more sincerely, “How did this happen?” And answers his own question:

The financial analytics firm [SmartAsset] crunched Census Bureau data to find the nation’s best public transit systems. Metro came out on top. Second place went to San Francisco, followed by Boston, Chicago and New York City. …

The firm considered five factors in order to assess efficiency, availability, coverage and capacity:

• The average commute time for transit users.
• Percentage difference between average commute times of car commuters and transit users.
• Percentage of commuters who use public transit.
• Total number of commuters who use public transit.
• The difference between the citywide median income and the median income of transit users.

Those are important, for sure. Next year, though, SmartAsset, I suggest that you add two more factors: 1) ease of use — for tourists and natives; and 2) cost. Although there is a lot I appreciate about the DC Metro, it falls short on both. I grew up riding these damn trains and yet, when I visit, I still have to spend way too many high-frustration minutes negotiating with the machines. (“Please can I get a one-way ticket on the red line? Please?”) They are opaque, withholding, like safes. Even when they do finally relent and spit out a ticket, you feel as overcharged as you would after using another bank’s ATM.

New York’s system is not perfect. A rat ran over my feet last year, and the trashcans are too tall for people my height to comfortably throw up in, and the fares keep going up even though the trains are as screechy and packed as ever. Why can’t the B run on weekends? Why is the G still essentially a clown car? All the same, for $2.75, you can get from Pelham Bay Park to Coney Island, and from Forest Hills to 30 Rock, even at dawn, with a reasonable assurance of safety and convenience. That’s a pretty good deal.

I have seen people dueling with umbrellas, looking dead serious. The train doors opened. We all watched as the two antagonists fenced like knights of old, throwing themselves into trying to draw first blood … with their umbrellas. Then the train doors closed and we rolled away.

The worst you’ll see on the Metro usually is some kid getting arrested for eating french fries.

Don’t even get me started on SmartAsset’s other systems of note. I mean, Philly? Please. It’s so rickety and old-fashioned it makes me feel like I’ve stepped into a student film from the late 70s. Boston? The trains shut down for most of last winter, and in Boston all they have is winter. It’s like Narnia there. A Narnia transit system that said, “Oops, sorry! Can’t run trains in the snow” would not expect to be taken seriously.

I guess the real question is, How did America’s public transit situation get to this depressing point and is there any hope of redemption?

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.