Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride (On Purpose)

by Emma Lawson

When I was a kid, I would say that I never planned on getting married. My mother would laugh and tell me that I would change my mind, but now, after 30 years, I think she finally believes me. My childhood was spent thinking that marriage was weird and babies were gross. In my teen years, I decided I could maybe see myself getting married, but only for immigration purposes. Now that I’m a grown adult woman, my issue with marriage is mostly financial. I still think marriage is kind of weird, but mostly I can’t justify the high costs associated with having a wedding.

I’ve been a bridesmaid three times: for my sister-in-law and two of my best friends from library school. Being a bridesmaid is not insignificant, cost-wise. There’s the bridal shower, the bachelorette, the dress and the shoes, hair and makeup, mani-pedis, the gift, and tons of other little things that come up in the often year-long planning process before the wedding. Sometimes brides will cover some of these costs, but you can’t count on that. Sometimes the costs are unexpected: I once paid $80 for a lap dance for the bride, at $10 a song, because none of us knew that you had to ask the stripper to stop dancing. I’m happy to pay for these things, though. I knew when I agreed to be a bridesmaid what the costs were, and if it’s important to my friend, it’s important to me. It’s their day. But I can’t imagine having a day like that for myself.

Maybe it’s my white Anglo (but not Protestant) upbringing, but I’ve always had horrible money guilt. I used to freak out and berate myself if my bank balance dipped below a certain amount. Some things just seemed too frivolous to spend money on, and while I’ve relaxed a lot on this front in the last few years, a wedding is still up at the top of my list of Frivolous Things. My parents provided financial support for my brother’s wedding by paying for all the booze (and my family can drink a lot!), but thinking about asking them for money for my imaginary wedding makes me feel guilty. Last time I visited my parents, I wouldn’t even let them pay for my dinner and scotch at the fancy pub they like.

Here are things I would rather spend my money on than a wedding:

• Down payment on a house or condo
• An epic trip to Iceland or China
• A new bed
• Early retirement

Instead of paying for one day in which I tell my friends and family that I love my partner and commit to him, I’d rather spend that money on the life we’re already sharing together. Now, that being said, if someone wants to give me a bunch of money to throw a giant party, I’m all ears. I’ll spend your money on it, just not mine.

This story is part of our Wedding Season series.

Emma Lawson is a librarian in Vancouver, Canada. You can read about her surprisingly expensive knitting habit here.

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