Your Friendship Is Above My Pay Grade

by Stefanie OConnell

I have three “save the dates” on my fridge right now and it’s only February. As winter wears on, I have no doubt that the invitations to spend will continue to amass until every other fair-weather weekend between May and September is booked solid with a costly celebration of some sort.

Along with being broke, this is the reality of my life as a late 20-something. Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally thrilled that my childhood friendships have withstood the test of time enough to make the wedding day invite list and the annual birthday happy hour, but every so often, I wish for a phone call, text or invitation that didn’t come accompanied by an overinflated spending expectation.

An affinity for destination bachelorette parties, full weekend weddings, and misguided cover the cost of your plate gifting standards, has officially put some of my best friendships above my pay grade. And it’s not just for the once in a lifetime occasions. From group dinners to girlfriend’s getaways, I’m always the one negotiating the realities of my finances with the status of my social life.

Such are the certainties of “growing up,” I guess. Once upon a time we all sat around in sleeping bags day dreaming our futures from a shared place of financial dependency and ignorant bliss, but as pay scales, dual vs. single incomes, and career prospects separated us, the capacity for shared understanding and financial “empathy” diminished.

Despite my attempts to explain why your taste for a $200 per plate wedding shouldn’t translate into a mandatory $200 financial gift minimum on my part, regardless of how much I love you and value your friendship, the awkward silence and eye rolls ensue. Again, not for lack of love and friendship, but from a genuine lack of understanding.

Without having to strictly negotiate discretionary income and make difficult choices between support for loved ones and support for self, it’s easy to judge an unwillingness to spend in accordance with some preconceived notion of appropriate. Coming from a past of similar means exacerbates diminished capacity for understanding when those means begin to differ.

Thankfully, I’m honest — or rather, shameless — enough to make my limited resources the focal point of my career, but even then, knowing is not understanding.

Managing expectations and navigating mutually beneficial and sustainable compromise while maintaining friendship is admittedly a fine and difficult line to tread, but the onus cannot rest on those of fewer means alone. I’m not just proposing cost effective social alternatives and ditching unsaid expectations of quid pro quo, I’m talking about developing a true understanding and compassion for financial realities that comes free of eye rolls, judgment, or criticism.

For my part, I won’t judge the bachelorette weekend requiring a costly round trip flight to Vegas paired with hotel room, club entry, and bottle service. I’ll simply opt out and pass along my best wishes, hoping you know they are sincere, as is my value for your friendship. Even if it is above my pay grade.

Stefanie is a professional actress turned personal finance pro. She chronicles her struggle to “live the dream” on a starving artists’ budget at TheBrokeandBeautifulLife.com and in her book of the same name.

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