Gwyneth Paltrow’s Gift Ideas

Gift guides are always fun, but some gift guides are even more hilarious than others. And then, like the svelte, non-denominational, vaguely sanctimonious figurine perched atop your Holiday Tree, there’s GOOP.

This is the time of year when everyone publishes holiday gift guides with super practical items like a $345,000 Celebrity Robot Avatar from Hammacher Schlemmer to a $150, 15-pound loaf of bread from Oprah’s Favorite Things. Gwyneth Paltrow, actress, queen of condescension and creator of GOOP — “an eminent lifestyle publication” — got in on the act with her own GOOP Gift Guide for 2014. I realize that I might not be the target audience, seeing as I save 20 minutes on my beauty routine by not having a beauty routine, but I am in the publication’s demographic.

Ha! I too save twenty minutes a day by not having a beauty routine. This person is my soulmate. Here is GOOP’s original guide for 2014, featuring a gold leather passport holder ($65), a $1000 man’s watch, an $80 tote bag, a $1000 cashmere throw blanket (!!), and so on; and here is the same guide improved by commentary.

Of course, if you do feel like splurging, there are some legitimately adorable or impressive things on the GOOP list, like the Penny Skateboard ($74) and the Light + Ladder Air Plant holders ($150). Can’t argue with poems by Mary Oliver, either ($17).

If you need an anti-consumerist palate cleanser, here’s an entirely different Shailene Woodley-inspired gift guide by the satire mag Reductress. “Dads can be hard to please, but I’ve learned there’s one gift every father likes — the raw intensity and hedonistic power of a live fire. Your Dad will love to stare into his intense fire and meditate on how his little girl is growing up so fast.” Priceless.

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