We Are Not Spa People

by Mike Dang and Meaghan OConnell

Meaghan: I am getting a PRENATAL MASSAGE today, OMG.

Mike: Omg, hah.

Meaghan: Haha, I know. It is called “Great Expectations.”

Mike: Hah, wow. So they, like, rub your belly?

Meaghan: I have no idea. That would/will be really weird.

Mike: I hate massages.

Meaghan: ME TOO. Why are you getting one, you might ask? It is because of that old Bliss Spa gift certificate I found (mentioned in a Billfold comment ca. two months ago).

Mike: Yes I remember. Edith went to a spa yesterday. And got a “shower experience.”

Meaghan: Um, what does that mean?

Mike: You step into a room, and the water comes at you sideways sometimes. But also vertically, yes.

Meaghan: I would have a panic attack.

Mike: I feel like the only “beauty experience” I like is: getting my hair shampooed before it is cut.

Meaghan: Yeah I got a massage once when I was home for Christmas, like a mom bonding experience, and it was so awkward. I’m like, “Why is a stranger touching me?”

Mike: “Why am I paying a stranger to touch me?”

Meaghan: “You’re so tense!” “UM YEAH, you are rubbing my naked body.”

Mike: “And I am scared right now.”

Meaghan: “I am scared you will see my butt.” My entire conscious thought is focused on whether or not my butt is showing

Mike: Also, I physically start shaking when someone touches my neck area.

Meaghan: Oh my goddddd. Maybe that’s a good survival tactic?

Mike: Like, I have to go through this whole thing when I get a haircut and explain, “Oh, be careful with the hair near my neck because I start shaking and you will cut my ear off or something.”

Meaghan: WOW. What do they say?

Mike: Usually, they will forget.

Meaghan: How much is the shaking — is it trembling?

Mike: Then it starts happening.

Meaghan: They don’t really believe you. And you’ve had this since you were a kid?

Mike: And then they say, “Wait, are you really cold right now?”

Meaghan: Awwww.

Mike: And I say, “No, I just TOLD YOU.” And then they take out their hair dryer and start blowing warm air down my back.

Meaghan: Aw.

Mike: And I’m like, “No, I told you I’m not cold.”

Meaghan: Does it help?

Mike: Hah, no, the thing that helps is not to touch my neck.

Meaghan: Also are you freaking out in your mind or is it purely physical?

Mike: It is a physical reaction, but I am also mentally bracing myself for it.

Meaghan: Or are you just freaking out like, Oh no here goes the shaking thing again…

Mike: I think something happened to me and I blocked it out. Okay, so the thing I do is while the person is cutting my hair, I will like, pinch myself really hard.

Meaghan: Like your arm under the cape?

Mike: Yes. The pain helps cancel out the shaking.

Meaghan: That seems smart. Does your mom know about this? I feel like she would have theories. Or maybe it runs in your family.

Mike: Um, she MIGHT BE THE ROOT OF IT. Who knows.

Meaghan: Probably! Like when you were tiny she said something like, “Michael never let anyone touch your neck or you will die instantly” and it embedded in your subconsciousness.

Mike: In any case, that is why I am willing to pay $50 to get my haircut with the same person I’ve known for a long time because: he gets me. I start shaking and he slows his roll.

Meaghan: It’s all coming together. I still think that is acceptable, neck shakes aside. You wear your hair EVERY DAY.

Mike: Hah, yes. It’s like your bed. You sleep in it and sleep is so important. Pay for a good mattress!

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.