10 Possible Reasons Why My Hot Yoga Studio Didn’t Respond to My Respectful Plea for a Discounted…
10 Possible Reasons Why My Hot Yoga Studio Didn’t Respond to My Respectful Plea for a Discounted Membership Now That My Groupon For 1 Cheap Month Has Expired
by Lauren Rodrigue
1. Garish neon sports bra distracting, jarring against cool muted raspberry color themes of rest of studio and undulating creamy aurora print of very popular Lululemon tops everyone has.
2. Kicked neighbor’s Smart Water over in midst of desperate floor flailing during third class, bottle fell into metal wall heater, noise so loud, everyone momentarily less centered with all energy suddenly focused on hot, moist hatred for me.
3. Did not sweat enough? Not committed. Am lazy, sweatless unbending monster with chakras all askew, like in a garage sale. Garage sale chakras.
4. Fell out of Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Paschimotthanasana last class like fucking complete uncivilized idiot, like was born yesterday, like beamed down from Planet Doyyyyyy.
5. Did not sound like was having most intense, gorgeous, brain-addling orgasm during each exhale of pranayama breathing series, rather sounded like screaming goat of meme fame but 60 years down the road and after nasty bout of the flu and while standing in front of box fan.
6. Triangle pose. Literally every time attempted triangle pose. Every time even thought of triangle pose. Position of every square inch of body during triangle pose. Shameful. Brought shame to studio, family, Bikram, self.
7. Farted? But who could be sure? Really, am unsure.
8. Poked finger into mouth of neighbor during especially unruly bout of Full Locust, immediately and not discreetly broke Full Locust pose so could wipe hands off dramatically on towel like disgusted infant.
9. Allowed thoughts, eyes to wander even after being explicitly told again and again and again to NOT LET FUCKING THOUGHTS OR EYES WANDER AT ANY TIME WHATSOEVER.
10. That one time forgot to bring sandals and fresh T-shirt to put on after class and was forced to trot out of studio in ankle boots and sweatpants and peter pan collar silk top with repeating cat print, very embarrassed like tiny cartoon mouse that has just embarrassed self in cartoon.
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