The Study of Duck Sex Organs is Good for the Global Economy

by B. Traven

Since the 1970s, mocking unnecessary-sounding scientific research projects as examples of wasteful government spending has been a favorite pastime for many politicians and pundits.

Now, over at Slate, duck penis researcher Patricia Brennan defends the importance of her research into duck penises. Basic research (like studies on duck penises) is a vital role for the government, she argues, that helps keep America economically competitive.

After all, many of the technological innovations that drive today’s economy wouldn’t be possible without seemingly “pointless” government-funded basic research. Wild-haired dreamers like Albert Einstein gave us the knowledge to invent nuclear power, GPS, and pens that can write upside-down. Also, some government-funded gecko scientists made a thing called Geckskin™, which CNET calls “the holy grail of adhesives.”

Did you know the Internet itself was a byproduct of government spending on basic research? ARPANET, the forerunner of today’s Internet, was developed to allow researchers to easily share data between different universities. If you have some scientific data on duck penises, for example, you can just attach “duck penis.xls” to an email and send it to your colleagues around the world — instantly! That’s science!

Nobody knows if Brennan’s duck penis studies will result in important new knowledge or world-changing, duck-penis-based inventions. That’s the whole point of basic research — you have to take a chance, or you could end up as an also-ran country.

How many scientists do you think are studying duck penises in China right now? Could duck penises cure cancer? There is only one way to find out.

Photo: fontplaydotcom

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