How to Go to Brunch With Friends And Only Order Coffee And Not Make Anyone Uncomfortable

DO
Say you’re fasting, because of god

Say you ate breakfast and you plan to eat lunch, so brunch just doesn’t make sense for your lifestyle

Say you never consume food with people you hate

Start downing those little splenda packets until everyone gets too weirded out to say anything to you

Explain that you are actually drinking a complete Irish breakfast, complete with a side order of hash browns, liquified and put in a coffee mug at your request

Declare your table a sovereign nation and claim diplomatic immunity from brunch as foreign emissary brokering a peace treaty with this mug of coffee

Say you have a stomach bug

DON’T
Say you can’t afford more — what are you a monster

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