The Chairman of the Board of Matt Powers Reports to Investors
by Matt Powers
To the Shareholders of Matt Powers:
As chairman of the board of Matt Powers, I am delighted to report that our second fiscal quarter of 2012 was a very promising one. We showed growth in key areas like age, websites commented on, and types of birds seen — three crucial metrics that all dynamic corporations look for. Even though our profit margins are not yet high enough to start projecting long-term gains, we are looking to diversify our portfolio into things like healthcare, retirement, and Audio-Technica ATH-M50s headphones. You will certainly get a celebratory letter the instant we are able to invest in any of those arenas.
The quarter has not been all rosy, however — I’m sure you are all aware of our very public plan to merge with Beth Lindstrom LLC, which made fiscal and operational sense considering we are in such similar fields and just seemed to be in-sync on all fronts. Even though we had every indication from Lindstrom legal that the deal was a go, negotiations at the Carl’s Chicken Emporium summit this April fell through. We found out just days later that Lindstrom had in fact merged with Derek Straney, our biggest rival in both the Chinese supply chain and northeast retail. Following this announcement, Matt Powers started hemorrhaging money due to unforeseen costs like twelve bottles of red wine and the entire series of “Carnivàle” on DVD. Our repeated pleas to the SEC over monopoly and anti-trust laws have fallen on deaf ears, but our great and capable legal team continues to write them even as we speak.
In this quarter, many questioned the validity of this company, with some critics going as far to suggest we would be insoluble had our parent corporation not fronted hundreds of thousands in our infancy. To these naysayers, I would point to the fact that over the past three years, our finance department has yet to miss a rent payment, and we don’t just buy Lucky Charms every time we go to the store, even though we totally could.
Our success in Quarter Two has entirely been a team effort. I would like to take the time to callout some particularly exemplarily efforts by some very special employees.
• Marge Dietrich in PR for switching our company branding supplier from Macy’s to that cool thrift store down the street from Macy’s that she found after getting lost looking for Macy’s. That’s great work, Marge.
• Harry Franklin in accounting for catching a clerical error that saw over sixteen dollars a month being allocated for Combos from the gas station, when the Combos from that magazine shop just a block further are a seventy cents cheaper a bag, saving us over four dollars every month. Top notch number crunching, Harry.
• Dwight Engelhorn in HR for dealing with feedback that employees were too tired to go to the gym. He took these concerns and developed a compromise still in place today: No one has to go the gym but instead can eat whatever they want. Well done, Dewey.
• Shelby Peters in retail management for getting this company that one freelance article it needed so badly back in June and then not immediately squandering the $30 on Choco Tacos. That’s the kind of leadership we look for here at Matt Powers.
In closing, I’d like to address a concern that has been amplifying in recent months. Some have called for my resignation, saying that at 23 years, I have been Chairman for far too long. What these detractors overlook is that I have grown and adapted every year I’ve helmed this company though changing business climates and unseen dangers. Longtime investors will remember that just 10 years ago I was quoting the band Korn a lot in these letters. I’m happy to report that we have now had eight consecutive quarters free of any nu-metal references in official company correspondences.
We’ve all banded together as one through all-too-public disasters like acne, joining high school band, and that time when one too many long island iced teas led to a rather spirited karaoke of Sister Hazel at after-work drinks. During these dark times many investors shed stock, but the true believers held on, knowing Matt Powers would be something great. And today, I can say firmly that we are one of the shining stars of American business, and with a little luck that the pre-disposed hereditary dementia doesn’t set in too early, we’ll be innovating and propelling commerce in this country for years to come.
Thank you and God bless,
Chairman of the Board of Matt Powers
Matt Powers lives in Brooklyn.