Asking How Much Someone Pays For Rent Isn’t A Hostile Act

It’s an honest question.

I overheard a conversation the other day between two people on the subway, or on the street, or probably in line at the Whole Foods coffee bar. One woman asked the other in a tone that bordered on wheedling how much her studio apartment in a desirable part of Brooklyn cost.

“If you don’t mind my asking,” she said, taking a deep breath before finishing her sentence, “but how much do you pay in rent?”

The other woman answered without incident — I think she said $1,600, she might have said $1,900, she could have said $3,000. Their conversation continued; neither woman seemed pressed about the exchange, though there may have been visible relief on the part of the asker for not ending their friendship or throwing a hot coffee in her face and leaving at once. The answer to the question is less relevant, here. It’s the question that counts.

Common courtesy dictates, rather incorrectly in my opinion, that it is gauche to ask people how much things cost. If you find yourself in a house that is much nicer than your own, simply don’t touch the breakables and smile and nod. Do not ask your family, your friends or a near-stranger in your yoga class how much they make — that’s none of your business. Don’t ask how much someone pays in rent, because once again, why do you care? What business is it of yours? Why would you need to know?

It goes without saying that I’m an asker; in the spirit of fairness, I’m also a teller. If you ask me how much my rent is, I’ll tell you. If I ask you where you got your coat, or those shoes, or the giant plant you have in the corner of your living room, it is not an act of hostility. It’s curiosity. It’s a genuine desire to know so that if I wanted to purchase the item for myself, I would know where and how to do so. I’m pretty sure talking about money in this bald, open way is a cultural thing; my Taiwanese mother will ask strangers how much they pay for just about anything, with no qualms. I have inherited this from her. I don’t feel badly about it. It is what it is.

Inquiring after someone’s rent, though, feels like a different beast — judgmental, tetchy, like the warmup for a full-scale attack, tinged with jealousy and left to simmer. It can be an act of hostility, if you let it. But, how are you supposed to know anything if you don’t ask?

If you’re standing in the living room of the apartment of your dreams and you ask the person who lives there how much they pay, they might tell you a number that’s affordable. You ask them about their broker, about how they found it, about the witchcraft and blood sacrifices they may have made in order to pay so little for so much. You’re gathering knowledge. You are seeking information for your own betterment. If you want to know how much money someone pays for rent, just ask. No qualms, no ulterior motives. Just ask.

Support The Billfold

The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.