We Want to Believe: Dry Brush Edition

Welcome to week two of We Want to Believe: A Column About Beauty & Money.

To recap: Audrey Ference is a complete caveman and cheapskate who cuts her own bangs and washes her face with shower soap. She is also lazy and a disgusting human. Meghan Nesmith has tested every serum in your airport’s duty-free cosmetics department. She believes whole-heartedly in the healing power of a facial spray, and currently has a terrible case of adult acne.

Meghan: Okay, hi! I want to get something out of the way first: our readers were VERY distressed about the $5 sheet mask. Which, okay, lesson learned: do not pay more than $2 for a sheet mask. We have a very well-informed readership.

Audrey: It’s all they had at the CVS I went to! I SAID it seemed expensive. I have no idea what I’m doing, I thought that was clear. It will probably become more clear this time around.

M: So tell the audience what we’re trying this week, Audrey!

A: Body brushing! Hi everyone, we are trying body brushing. You’ll be happy to know the shitty drugstore I went to (this time a Walgreens) did not have a body brush either so I had to use a brush I already owned.

M: I think the best kind to use is a copper brush. Something about energy ions, which sounds real. I’ll confess that I already owned my body brush (Kingsley Natural Bristle Body Brush with Contoured Wooden Handle, $7.25). I bought it last year when a beauty blog told me it would like strip all of the skin off your body and replace it with new, better skin, which I’m into. Had you ever dry brushed before?

A: No, but I am a very itchy person, especially in winter, so I have had a very vigorous in-shower loofah regimen. Not the same, I understand.

M: Here are some things I know about dry brushing: It is meant to increase circulation, exfoliate, and get rid of cellulite. Lots of little old ladies in Russia do it, I think.

A: Yeah, the thing I read on the internet mentioned all the cellulite stuff which seemed to me to be obviously false, and also getting rid of “toxins” which like, if you consider your own gross dead skin wads a toxin I guess so, otherwise no. But all of the exfoliating parts sounded like they’d be worth it. I did brush “in the direction of my heart” as instructed, I’m not sure if that made a difference.

M: I LOVE THAT PART. It sounds so mystical and witchy and like I just imagine all my gunky insides swirling around and then my heart glowing really intensely as it burns them up.

A: Ha ha ha. I was just like yeah, I mean, I guess this gives me some direction so I’m not just brushing wildly in circles or something. But so, I don’t know if I had the right kind of brush. I used a Mason Pearson brush my Nana gave me when I was 12 that I can’t use on my hair because it’s too tangly. I had no idea they cost $100, but I have always kept it because she told me it was made from real boar bristles and I was upset at the idea of these denuded boars walking around for my ungrateful tangly ass.

M: LOLOL. That has to be the most expensive beauty product either of us owns, right? Thanks, Nana.

A: Yeah, why would you give anything that costs $100 to a 12-year-old? But it felt awesome and scratchy and I loved it.

M: You did!!! Okay, yeah, that’s curious — did it hurt?

A: It hurt in a really good way like when you scratch an itch. It did not leave any kind of marks or anything after my shower, but I definitely felt even less itchy than after a hard loofah scrubbing. I can’t really speak to any physical improvements, because my entire winter situation is like what it looks like after someone gets a cast off, with blindingly white skin and weirdly long dark hair. I’m sorry to share that. It’s just not really fixable by any beauty thing other than sunlight.

M: You are a beautiful creature, but yeah — like, the most the dry brush could realistically do is give you a bit of a glow, right? From the abuse you are inflicting on your skin? It definitely felt less than ideal when I started. You are meant to “brush vigorously with long strokes,” and I had to get used to it. I guess the idea is that you might encourage some lymph drainage, too, which could make you less…puffed? But honestly, I’m going to keep it up because I like how active it feels and because if I close my eyes I can imagine that it’s some small Russian lady just taking out all of her frustration on my corporeal form and then afterwards we’re going to sit in a hot bath together telling stories.

A: The internet said it makes one less ashy and dry which also makes sense if you are the kind of person who allows other people to see their limbs between December and May. But yeah, I would give dry brushing a thumbs up and will even purchase a special brush from the internet to do it correctly.

M: The cost per use equation is pretty clearly in our favor, here. Can we dry brush together next time we hang out? In the direction of our heart spaces?

A: I seriously think I should keep my dry brushing an alone time habit, for everybody’s benefit. But otherwise, yes, heart spaces.

M: I heart you.

A: I HEART YOU.

VERDICT:

Audrey: Worth It

Meghan: Worth It

Bonus Tip from Audrey! If you are an itchy winter person, I found the best post-shower lotion ever. It’s Gold Bond Extra Strength in the green bottle. That sounds like an old man’s foot powder, but it’s tingly and cool and feels like the opposite of itching. Works for me for summer prickly heat, too.

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