We Want to Believe: A Column About Beauty and Money

Hello.

We’re Meghan and Audrey.

Audrey Ference is a complete caveman and cheapskate who cuts her own bangs and washes her face with shower soap. She is also lazy and a disgusting human.

Meghan Nesmith has tested every serum in your airport’s duty-free cosmetics department. She believes whole-heartedly in the healing power of a facial spray, and currently has a terrible case of adult acne.

One of us is a skeptic, and one of us just spent over $100 on a custom blended face oil. The world is full of beauty treatments, and we’re just two girls trying to separate the chum from the moisturizer that will return our faces to their fetal states. Together, we’re here to tell you what’s worth it.

Meghan: Good morning Audrey! Happy sheet mask day!

Audrey: So sheet masks.

M: SHEET MASKS. Tell me what you know about sheet masks, please.

A: So obviously I have seen pictures of ladies with these things on all over the internet for years, but I never understood what the point is? So I looked it up and it said basically it’s a serum, the same as any serum, but the mask helps it penetrate? Because of heat or something?

But my mask was $5 which is a lot for just extra penetration, in my opinion. Also gross, that sounds gross.

M: Wait yours was $5???

Mine was only $1.99!

CANADIAN!

Now I doubt my mask.

Also the fact that you looked up what they were supposed to do tells me a lot about how we are both approaching this because I just take as blind gospel anything that anyone tells me on the internet like, yup, makes sense, put a wet sheet over my face, I’m totally into that.

A: Well to be honest I have always been very skeptical of the entire mask genre of product. At least 50% because I am lazy and hate to sit around with something on my face. But like, what could it even be doing that’s so special; it’s just sitting there then I wash it off? All lotions and serums are basically the same thing, except not weird colors? But I didn’t want to shit all over the tissue mask without at least understanding what the point was supposed to be. For $1.99 I might feel more inclined to try again.

M: I LOVE A MASK. I love a mask. I love that you just slather that shit on and then you get to sit there just like languishing in very effective goo. It feels so indulgent?

A: See, goo languishing is basically my nightmare. I don’t like to have to sit around and wait for things to do things. This is also why I hate spas and massages and all the nice things people are supposed to like.

So I think I can see where we’re coming down on the tissue mask issue then, ha ha.

M: Tissue issue.

Well, do you feel brighter? What was yours supposed to do? Mine was a “Brightening Mask.”

A: Mine was an anti-wrinkle plumping mask. Essentially all of my beauty goals revolve around fewer wrinkles, because I am old and grew up under the horrible Texas sun. I am still very wrinkled. Though when I asked Frank [my husband] if I looked different he said: “You look refreshed?” But it was definitely a question.

M: Hahaha, well done Frank. The cat has noticed no changes, although I think I FEEL brighter.

A: My face is maybe plumper feeling, but also they said not to wash off the goo so it’s a little tacky. So would you mask again?

M: My verdict: 100% would mask again, will search out other sheet masks, probably from Korea, since those Koreans know what’s up.

You?

A: Definitely not for $5. I would try a different one maybe. I think claiming your mask “visibly firms while diminishing the look of fine lines and wrinkles” is setting yourself up for failure, since literally nothing actually does that.

M: That is very aggressive advertising. Mine “promotes radiance” which is appropriately vague and Canadian. Like, we politely encourage you to be more radiant. I feel encouraged.

A: Who can’t use a radiance promotion?

VERDICT:

Audrey: Not Worth It

Meghan: Worth It

Have an opinion on sheet masks? Who doesn’t! Share below, please. We’d also love suggestions on what to try next, although we’re not kidding around with any Crème de la Mer bullshit here. (Unless Crème de la Mer is reading, in which case we welcome samples.)

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