A Friday Chat About Fuck Off Funds

NICOLE: Happy Friday!

ESTER: Happy Friday! The only thing to discuss is whether we have Fuck Off Funds, and my answer is nope. My money is entirely and completely enmeshed with Ben’s.

MIKE: But Ester, that is still money that would allow you to quit a toxic job? You wouldn’t grin and bear a boss feeling you up because you’re thinking of your bank account.

ESTER: That’s true! But it isn’t money that would let me quit Ben.

MIKE: Well, to quit Ben you would theoretically get money in the divorce.

ESTER: Right! Okay, great, I’m doing everything fine.

NICOLE: I mean, how do you differentiate between Fuck Off and Savings, that’s my question. I guess my savings are either so I can quit or be quitted, but that doesn’t make the decision to quit any easier. I have a little over two months of basic expenses in savings. If I quit one of my clients, I have to balance that against how much I want to spend down those savings.

ESTER: Did reading the piece make you want to start a special sub-savings account?

NICOLE: I feel like the special sub-savings account would be on the list AFTER “three month emergency fund” and “Roth IRA.”

ESTER: Yeah, that makes sense. Especially since an emergency account can kind of double as a Fuck Off Fund: if a boss fondled me or a boyfriend threw me into a coffee table, I’d consider that an emergency.

NICOLE: For sure. Did Paulette’s piece make you want to start a special account?

ESTER: It made me glad I had one during my twenties. I didn’t call it that, but that’s more or less what my best-beloved high-interest Orange ING savings account was. But I haven’t started another since I cashed that one out for the down payment on this apartment.

NICOLE: I remember that high-interest ING account. That’s what eventually became my Capital One 360 account, right?

ESTER: Ha, yes, I think so.

NICOLE: The Orange one was the online-only account? I’ve had that for years! [ED: I looked it up, and I’m actually referring to my ING Electric Orange account.]

I feel like I paid too much money towards certain relationships when I should have told the person involved to fuck off. That’s the other half of the problem. (Not an abuse situation, just a not-great relationship.)

ESTER: Oh yes, totally. Appeasement. I was sexually harassed at my first job out of college and I just … stayed, because I was 22, and, true, I didn’t have any money saved yet really but I also just thought that maybe this was what “the real world” was like.

NICOLE: I would love to have another Friday Chat about that, Ester. I have also thought, “Well, this must be what the real world is like” and not realized I had actual agency in a situation. Then when I got out of that job it was like, “Wow, how did I miss the fact that I Could Quit for so long.”

ESTER: Yeah, I feel like that’s a real thing we should discuss that I’m sure other people have experienced too.

NICOLE: Part of it is the worry about not having money, probably. You Can Quit! but it’s hard.

ESTER: Right. And I think there’s an added element to it too. Especially early in your career you don’t know what to expect. What’s normal, albeit objectionable, and what’s beyond the pale.

NICOLE: There’s also so much variation in what is stated and what is expected. That sign on the wall that says you’re entitled to X lunch and Y breaks vs. company culture.

ESTER: Ugh, yes. There’s the letter of the law and the spirit of the law when it comes to workplaces, and it takes a while to realize what the spirit is.

NICOLE: And there’s the whole “we were exploited when we started, so now it’s your turn” thing. I’m using “exploited” in the most jovial sense here.

ESTER: Absolutely. “I made it through all the bullshit, so you should suffer too.”

NICOLE: “Everyone has to work hard! Start at the bottom! Keep your mouth shut!”

ESTER: The talent agency model is built on that. And as a new employee you WANT to be a team player. You want to show you can get along with people and adapt to circumstances.

A Fuck Off Fund gives you the ability to hold your employer to some reasonable standard of behavior, but it can take a while in the working world to realize what that reasonable standard is or should be.

NICOLE: Yes.

ESTER: Mike, if you’d had a Fuck Off Fund back when we met, would you have left that office voluntarily?

MIKE: Oh, hah, am I officially a part of this chat? I would have definitely left, yes. I had been secretly job hunting towards the end.

ESTER: God, yeah, me too. Anyway, score one for the Fuck Off Fund!

NICOLE: Let’s all go rename our savings accounts!

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